simply reine

contemplative

2011-02-07T21:53:00.003-05:00

how often do we take things for granted?

penny. sometimes, when we have loose change everytime we buy something, we end up taking them for granted. "oh, it's just a penny. just put it there, i don't think i'll need it for now." under the bed, innermost pocket of your jeans, deep compartment in your car, rock bottom of your purse or bag. but when you need them for bargains, toll fees, parking meters or even just those instances where a penny is just what you really need - you can't find them. and you mumble to yourself, "i wish i can remember where i'd put them".

where am i going with this one?

i might have taken a lot of things for granted in my life. i accepted the fact that there's no point of regretting and wasting my braincells with what-ifs, could have beens and if onlys. and yet, i still don't learn my lesson sometimes.

live life to the fullest.
so true. and yet, how do we define "to the fullest"?
how do you define that phrase?

for some, living life to the fullest may mean being able to enjoy the material possessions that they have. being able to appreciate what they have or even what they can do with their time. some define it as being able to be content and live it as if it's you're last day. no regrets. no hesitations. while some of us are hoping they are blessed with more money and more possessions so they can live life to the fullest, others define living life to the fullest differently. and sometimes, we don't have to go too far in order to realize and to witness it.

the next time I complain how it's same food over and over and over again, one of my patients has been on a clear liquid diet for almost a year with either coffee, milk or tea, chicken or beef broth, and some jello.

the next time I complain how I haven't been shopping for almost 6 months now, one of my patients has been wearing the same type of hospital gown for more than 6 months already.

the next time I complain how tomorrow's dayoff are full of errands, one of my patients just changed her code status to DNR, unsure if she'll still wake up in the morning.

the next time I complain how I have to have my quiet time away from my family, one of my patients has been longing to be with his family, wishing he'd get to spend every single minute with them.

the next time I complain how tired I am walking back and forth, one of my patients has been bedridden since he was born.

the next time I complain how my skin aren't as perfect as how I would like to be, one my patients are full of bedsores, bruises, skin tear and wounds due to multiple IV sticks and hospitalization.

the next time I complain of how I hate the weather outside, one of my patients wish is being able to experience how it's like outside when there's snow, when the sun is shining and when the leaves are changing color instead of staring at it from the windowpane.

the next time I complain how bored I am with nothing else to do, one of patients are exerting more than half of their energy gasping for air everytime they move or turn.
the next time I complain how challenging my life is, one of my patients was born with severe mental retardation. unable to communicate and ambulate since birth.

all of those patients are my patients today. they are the reason why i had an awful monday at work. because of them, i've spent more than twelve hours running around like chicken carrying out orders, giving out medications and cleaning up their mess. because of them, i've spent more than twelve hours at work without any time to sit down for even at least 10 mins. because of them, i wasn't able to take my break and eat any breakfast/lunch. because of them, i came home late. because of them, i am mentally and physically exhausted.

but because of them, i am emotionally and spritually full. because of them, i have learned how to appreciate more. because of them, i understood how to be content. because of them, i have come to love my job more. their simple thank you and their priceless smiles are far more than enough than i can ever ask for. because at the end of my workshift - when they're trying their best to say "thank you" to me, they have no idea i am the one thanking them for the difference they've made and the impression they've left behind.

so let me ask you, where's your pennies at?

sigh.

2011-01-03T12:09:00.001-05:00

BECAUSE it is a CRAPPY start of the year.
and i am struggling.

GARR.
Lord, help me.
i am BARELY hanging in there.

unfinished paper

2010-12-09T20:30:00.003-05:00

12.09.10

exactly at this time.

my heart was broken into pieces.

burning tears fell down my eyes.

a silent goodbye was mumbled.

a hopeful goodnight and

an "i'll see you sometime soon" became my ultimate wish.

exactly 8:30 pm.

as those teardrops fell down from your eyes,

you took your final breath.

and i was at the peak of such rollercoaster ride.

grief for such loss

yet relief for you are not in pain anymore.

heartbroken for a future without you

yet consoled for that blessed hope that i'll see you again.

depressed for such an awful goodbye

yet comforted for it's only a goodnight and i'll see you in the morning.

that was exactly a year ago.

12.09.09 at 8:30pm.

dear God,

i HAVE BEEN struggling and only You know how hard it has been for me. i thank you Lord for You haven't given up on me. i thank you for surrounding me with wonderful people who haven't given up on me either. it's been a year and i think it's somewhat time to move on. so my prayer for tonight is help me to BE still and know You are God. if there's one thing i pray for the most, it's the peace of mind that passes all understanding and i know in my heart - i can only get that from You. i love you dear God and that's why i think it's time to let go now. please, don't let go. especially at this time. all this I ask in dear Jesus name I pray, amen.

"when the oceans rise and thunders roar

i will soar with you above the storm

Father, You are the King over the flood

so i will be still and know You are God."

norm

2010-11-05T23:04:00.002-04:00

is it normal that as i was going thru photos at facebook, i saw my dad's picture during his wake and i suddenly muttered unguardedly, "wait a minute, where's my dad now?" then it took me almost 15 minutes to realize that he had passed away for almost a year now. it took me just about 15 minutes to encapsulate and reminisce everything that had happened to him since he was diagnosed up until he took his last breath right beside me up to the point where i threw my last rose down to his casket.

is it also normal that this is not the only time this happened?
now, is that normal?

God said, " Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."

i am claiming that promise now. goodnight.

broken.ice/finally

2010-10-27T04:18:00.005-04:00

closure isnt always a sad goodbye but a new hello. sure it has been a crazy ride but sometimes the ride itself isnt always the one you remember the most but how it was ended.

then you ask yourself,

"was it worth it?"

what i think and what you think might matter.

but in the end of that whole conversation.

it's not just a sweet goodbye but a warm hello.

"HI, my name is Reine."

nice to meet you.

can i be your friend this time?

caffeine, please let me go. sleep is calling.

closure-kinda

2010-09-17T00:45:00.002-04:00

CLOSURE.
been wanting to blog something about this word.
BUT
it is quite hard.

maybe because closure may mean goodbye.
maybe because it may mean letting go.
maybe because it may hurt one or even both involved.
maybe because there might be things that might be left unsaid.
or maybe better left unsaid.
maybe because you're scared to face that question: "what if"
maybe because you're not ready yet.
maybe because it may involve friendship.
maybe because life's not the same without.
or maybe because things has not been the same.
or maybe because you hurt as much when some discloses.

CLOSURE,
i'll deal with you sometime ~~later~~.
maybe when it's not midnight and the background song is more upbeat.
like a shakira song instead of those old highschool blues.
right? right

2010-08-10T23:41:00.002-04:00

if you are brave to say "goodbye", life will reward you with a new "hello."

this post is for everyone i know. i actually want to apologize to everyone for the reine you've encountered for the past months is not the same reine you probably met before. sorry for the fake smile. sorry for the impatience. sorry for the deep thoughts. sorry for late replys. sorry for being withdrawn. sorry for everything else unmentioned. sorry, for i am still grieving.

there are some things we never really appreciate, not until they are gone. it's an overrated statement but it is so true. and it becomes more real once you've actually experienced it yourself - having something, someone SO special be taken away from you both expectedly and unexpectedly. either way, it hurts.

since dad passed away, i have never been the same. and that is probably who the reine you're dealing with at the present. according to my doctor, he's diagnosing me with mild depression. with some weight gain, insomnia, inability to concentrate, inability to control my pessimism, irritability and tearful nights - maybe he's right. as much as i'm embarassed to admit that maybe i am undergoing depression, i realized maybe he is right.

and it's been like this - not since dad passed away but since he was diagnosed with lung/bone/brain cancer specifically august twothousandnine. everytime i wake up in the morning, i always whisper to myself - "i will start today and i will overcome these feelings". then i fail. and it's been a year already and it's the same stupid feeling. grieving isn't easy, it cripples you.

i would always look forward to that day where i can finally say to myself, "finally, i am okay." then i realized, maybe i shouldn't wait for that moment. maybe i should just start right here, right now. and maybe things will get better.

i am who i am right now and a huge part of that is how my dad raised me. when he said goodbye, a huge part of me was buried with him but i realized he wouldnt want me crying all the time for the rest of my life. i realized that i have to grow up and to move on - even without him. i realized that even without him around, i can still make him proud. and i realized that because of him, i have to appreciate what i have and who i have at the present time before it's actually too late.

i am going to sleep soon but when i wake up in the morning, im gonna try to be brave. i'll try to be the same reine as how i was before for i miss her too. i know it's not going to be easy but i am blessed i still have my mom and my sister with me - and they are still my ohana. it is so hard to let go but i have to for with goodbye comes with a new hello.

dear dada,
OH how i miss you still. but i'm gonna say goodbye for now. not because i have forgotten you or not because i have moved on. i'm going to say goodbye because i realized that that's just how life works. that it moves forward and it doesn't get stuck in the past. that's why there are things called memory and hope. memory to relive those special moments we've shared together and hope that we will definitely see each other again. but for now, i have to stand up again and continue to walk this journey even without you. i love you always and i promise you - i will still make you proud. no matter what, i will ALWAYS be your daddy's girl. goodbye for now dad but i'll see you sometime later.
-reine

"sometimes you have to be apart from people you love, but that doesn't mean you love them any less. sometimes it even makes you love them more."

dear God,
you know what's best. it takes time to move on but tonight, i've decided to overcome this so-called depression. help me for with You, i can do all things. thank you for second chances. amen

maybe

2010-08-05T00:00:00.000-04:00

“we all want a new life yet we take the new one we get every morning for granted.”
maybe, i’ll start tomorrow. but for now, i sleep.
life can be good, only if you let it to be.
maybe, i should remind myself that more often too. but for now, i have to sleep.

goodnight everyone. =]

profile pic

2010-08-03T00:52:00.003-04:00

dear facebook,

i had a hard time earlier trying to find a new profile picture. you see, that one posted at your website right now is the best one i could find at the moment. i find it very comforting actually. and if i could turn back time, i'd go back to that moment because nothing felt better than the security i felt when he wrapped his arm around my shoulder. but you see, a lot of people try but nothing comes close to how it felt like compared to that very moment. NOTHING compares. nothing compares. how i wish i could return back the time but i can't. reposting this picture over and over again at your website won't change a thing either. but you know what facebook? if profile picture is what this is all about, i'll show you the real profile picture i should have out there at your wall. because with this picture, it will show you how i really feel. because with this picture, you'll know that facebook profile pictures are not just all about vanity or the perfect angle or the perfect illusion or the cutest little thing but what's really inside my heart.

no captions. unedited. just reine.

someday

2010-08-01T23:10:00.001-04:00

"someday is one of my favorite words."

ever since i was a kid, the word someday has been overly used so many times in my life. everytime i would want something and i can't get it yet, someone would always console me by saying, "someday, you'll get it." everytime something bad happens and trials come, someone would always advise me, "someday, you'll understand why." everytime i would commit a mistake and fail, somebody would always assure me, "someday, you'll know learn your lesson and you'll become a better person." everytime i'm filled with too many questions, someone would always remind me, "someday, you'll know all the answers." everytime i'm down and lonely, somebody would always hug me saying, "everything happens for a reason and someday, you will smile for all things will work out together."

i am still holding onto that thought. SOMEDAY, things will get better.

that someday, i will smile again inside out. that someday, my family would be whole again. that someday, i get to see my dad again. that someday, i'll get it. that someday, i'll understand why. that someday, i'll learn my lesson and i'll become a better person. that someday, i'll know the answers. that someday, everything will work out for good.

i may not know when or where but one thing's for sure, "someday, i WILL know."

dear God,

i don't know when things will be better for me. i still cry every night looking for someone who doesnt exist anymore. i know someday i will understand everything you have planned for me but i pray that in the meantime, help me to live the life you have created for me. for the meantime, help me to be more patient. for the meantime, help me to be more loving. for the meantime, help me to be more forgiving. for the meantime, help me to be more appreciative. for the meantime, help me to be more caring. for the meantime, help me to be more like You. please be with those people who are close to my heart for when i am grieving, i tend to shut them out of my life. it's not the most pleasant feeling but sometimes i cannot help it. i have SO many questions for You Lord but i know someday, i'd get to ask you and i know someday, i'd get to be with my dad too. all i ask Lord is for the meantime, do not let go of me because at the moment, i am just lost with no direction. i love you dear God, Amen.

bicycle

2010-02-05T01:23:00.011-05:00

[sometimes beginnings aren't so simple. sometimes goodbye's the only way. And the syn will set for you, and the shadow of the day will embrace the world in gray]

spending time somewhat alone in the house is not healthy for me. my throat starts to feel like i swallowed a big chunk of jawbreaker even my own saliva can't flush. then my eyes start to flood with burning liquid i think they call tears. at the same time, my tummy feels like thousands of premature butterflies decided to flop around haphazardly. then my heart starts to pump too fast as if there's no tomorrow. then sometimes, my hands decided to join - parasthesia kicking in as if electricity just gave me a warm handshake. and then my brain just got fried.

oh dada - there is a HUGE hole in my heart and i'm trying to be a big girl right now but it's always bringing me back to being a daddy's little girl. it breaks my heart everytime i realize "reality" because it hurts too much to know i won't be able to see you for quite a while. i miss everything about you. and i can't move on...i don't know how to move on. i'm starting to be embarassed already because all i think about is you, all i talk about is you and how i wish i am lying but i am not.

i miss you smile. i miss how you get mad at me and then we're okay again. i miss how you wake up early in the morning even though you don't have to but you still do just to have someone to eat with during breakfast because you know i don't eat alone. i miss how you take out the trash everyday and maintain the house spotfree. i miss how you always turn on the radio in the car everytime i start singing because you always tease me i'm out of tune. i miss how you whistle. i miss how you make me smile inside out everytime you show off your farting tactics. i miss how you bring me everywhere. i miss staring at you cleaning the cars as if they're you're babies. i miss how you surprise me with my favorite dishes. i miss how you massage my back everytime i ask you to. i miss how we have our date - just the two of us. i miss how we hangout everytime mom is sleeping from work and Presh is at school. i miss how we shop at Asian foodstore. i miss our crazy bets and how you win fast cash 500 bucks because i chose Hatton over Pacquiao. i miss witnessing you courting mom every single day. i miss how you laugh. i miss your jokes. i miss our laundromat-dates together. i miss our padthai dates. i miss how you tease me with my penguins yet you gave most of them. i miss how you care so much about me. i miss how we'd hangout and just chill at the family room. i miss our Pho 99 dates. i miss watching you play the guitar. i miss how yuo sit down in front of our porch. i miss how you setup your hammock at the back and invite us to join you. i miss everything about our RVCC-bonding moments. i miss how we used to shovel together, i guess when you still let me before. i miss how good you are at saving money. i miss how i can easily sleep beside you. i miss how i massage your back by stepping on it. i miss how you tie my hair. i m iss how you wake me up. i miss how you laugh everytime you watch wowowee. i miss how you tell me stories when i was young and how you raised me up. i miss watching you with your garden skills and how you smile everytime you harvest your vegetables. i miss you look like. i miss how you take care of mom. i miss how you cuddle and hug those babies and kids here in the neighborhood as if they're yours. i miss how we drive around neighborhood and you know each and everyone of them. i miss how you take care of Presh. i miss how we go to Hollywood VideoRentals or even the public library to borrow videos. i miss how thoughtful you are - always trying to find time to call Pinas. i mis show you always remind me to save money all the time. i miss the smile i see in your face everytime i buy you something you really like and pretend that you don't care but by the end of the day, you're holding it as if it has been yours for a while. i miss how you always ask me to put more songs into the ipod i gave you. i miss how you reminisce your past with me. i miss how you take care of your indoor plants. i miss how happy you are everytime you buy new shoes. i miss our second-hand stores dates. i miss how you pretend it's communion everytime you drink grape juice. i miss your patience. i miss your papaitan and your kambing recipes. i miss how you sew some of my clothes instead of letting mom do it. i miss your voice especially when you sing. i mimss how you call out my name. i miss how i sit on the passenger's seat while i become your second GPS. i miss our long drive to AC. i miss how you put your arms around me everytime we walk together. i miss your eyes. i miss your presence. i miss everything about you. i miss everything about us. i miss the janreine i know when you were still here.

and it's hard to move on and to love and appreciate everything at the present because i am stuck in the past. and i don't know how to be in both time being at the same exact time. i want to move on but i'm glued to the part when you still existed. i don't want to forget about you at the same time, i know i have to let go and to live life.

"Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep balance, you must keep moving."

my bicycle had a flat tire - al the way back from where i started and i'm scared to move on because the person that taught me how to ride the bicycle forgot to teach me how to move forward...

how to move forward without him.

i miss you AS MUCH as how i love you dada.

"that was a good cry and yet it wasn't enough. not even close."

not anymore

2009-12-19T21:45:00.002-05:00

dear PINAS,

i am excited for you. finally, we get to meet each other again. imagine, after 6 years of separation? even though everything was not well-planned, i am still looking forward to meeting you again. i was supposed to go home and see you with my dad but sadly, things changed. it must be really weird to go home without him, especially during Christmas season and New Years. i am tearing again, sigh.

anyway, PINAS - i am going to see you again even though circumstances have changed. and i am thankful for that because it feels like ages since we've last seen each other. i can't wait to hug my family and friends again. foods i cannot eat here in jersey will become my bestfriend there. oh santol and fishball, we'll see each other again! and what about the fireworks @ New Years? oh and did i mention i get to hangout and hug my family and friends?

december 24 until january 6 - that will be our date, mk PINAS? even though it's only good two weeks...make it a good and memorable one. at least, make it last until the next vacation?

reine.

just because.

2009-11-16T13:28:00.003-05:00

i remember how i use to say that "my life is like a rollercoaster right now" and now i realized how much i have used that statement carelessly. looking back to how my problems were before to what i am facing right now, i realized how my past problems were nothing compared to what's right here in front of me. at the present - definitely a rollercoaster ride, no doubt about that. with all those loops and big drops and all the upside down and high peaks combined with those symptoms that goes with it: thrill that goes down your spine where every drop feels like your heart is going to rip your chest open and fly away and the lightheadedness you feel where you feel you've spun around 1000000 times and want to puke all at the same time. i know, i also forgot the fact the freedom and the good-kind-of-thrill you feel when you're suspended in the air, the kick you feel everytime you shout at the top of your lungs and no one will care and just the overall exhiliration you feel riding one. i guess, it really all depends on the person riding on it: how one can look at it, how one can get the most out of it and sometimes, who you're riding with.

just as i was skimming around my recent pictures, i cant help but to smile when i saw my dad's picture when he was still stronger after being diagnosed with cancer. all the pictures i uploaded at facebook where we were walking at the park almost everyday, friends and family were able to see the smile on his face and how he looked great after everything he has gone through. i remembered how happy i was thinking we're all moving forward, he is definitely getting stronger little by little. then last sunday afternoon, as we were driving him back to berlin - i can't help but to tear. as i witness him crying for pain, catching his breath due to excessive coughing and the sadness in his eyes - my feelings become indescribable.

dad's condition is a rollercoaster. one moment he's up and joking, and then in an instant he doesn't look good at all. one moment, he would say he'd like to eat all sorts of food and once you bring them all in, he couldn't even get up of his bed to enjoy his food. one moment, he's sitting up playing his guitar and in an instant, he's down in his knees coughing up complaining he can't breathe right.

my emotions and my life for the past 3 months has been a rollercoaster. i want to be the strong woman i thought i knew but reality bites and i realized that life doesnt work that way. i want to be the kind of person that people will be inspired of because of such great faith in the midst of all the trials i'm facing but inside, everything seems to be broken into many pieces. i want to be able to smile and mean it by heart but it's hard to fake a smile when ur tearing inside out. i want to be strong not only for my dad but for my mom and my sister but i can't imagine how hard it is.

i want to be strong for my mom. it breaks my heart to see her in pain. even though she doesnt say a lot - the sadness in her eyes is overwhelming. what if my dad won't be able to get through it, what happens to my mom? and then my sister, there's a whole lot of things and achievements my dad wants to see of my sister. what happens when things doesn't work out well with him? sometimes, it's so much easier to care less because you'll get hurt less. but i can't put these thoughts and feelings aside because they are my family and they are my life. they are my ohana.

as much as people enjoys rollercoaster, i want to get out from it. i want to take out my dad out of this rollercoaster ride. but i cant be didnt chose to be in that position. we didnt choose to be in this position. and i guess that's where it all leads it down to: no matter how much crazy the whole ride is, what matters is who you're riding it with. it's so damn hard but it becomes worthwhile because i'm with those people who are really close to my heart.

dear God, here i am again. it's kinda hard to have puffy eyes every morning when i wake up or at night before i go to sleep but i pray that may you keep my dad very very close to your heart. you know his conditon well and i pray that may Your will be done. he doesn't look too well at all and once again, he's far away from me again. may you please guide him and my mom in berlin and guide all of them there taking care of my dad. dear God, i dont want to let go of my dad, give him the strength and the faith that he needs to fight what he's going through. i love him too much to let go. i sometimes forget how we are just a tiny speck in this wide universe you created and that the whole world doesn't revolve around us yet you care so much. dear God, help me to cry less and trust more. help me to praise you more that to dwell on these trials i'm going through. dear God, please be with him, keep him close to your heart. with this rollercoaster we're all going through, thank you because You know how it's like and You love us so much you're willing to take the ride with us. thank you for all the blessings inspite of everything. iloveyou, in Jesus name, amen.

upgraded

2009-11-04T22:40:00.002-05:00

hindi ako nawawala.

kasalukuyan lamang tuma-tambling.

sa tumblr.

http://www.janreine.tumblr.com

A Pasture for the Soul

2009-09-20T16:46:00.001-04:00

For a field to bear fruit, it must occasionally lie fallow. And for you to be healthy, you must rest. Slow down, and God will heal you. He will bring rest to your mind, to your body, and most of all to your soul. He will lead you to green pastures.

Green pastures were not the natural terrain of Judea. The hills around Bethlehem where David kept his flock were not lush and green. Even today they are white and parched. Any green pasture in Judea is the work of some shepherd. He had cleared the rough, rocky land. Stumps have been torn out, and brush has been burned…

With his own pierced hands, Jesus created a pasture for the soul. He tore out the thorny underbrush of condemnation. He pried loose the huge boulders of sin. In their place he planted seeds of grace and dug ponds of mercy.

And he invites us to rest there.

-Grace for the Moment/Max Lucado

superdad.

2009-08-25T22:11:00.011-04:00

i've always believed that every single thing in my life was made for a reason. most of the time, the needed explanations for my "whys" do not really show themselves up - not until the right time. and usually, those are the ones that need pronto answers. it's funny how life works, one moment you're on top of the world and in just a blink of an eye, the gravity of life's reality knocks you straight down. but then you don't stop moving forward because you have to always remind yourself, "everything happens for a reason."

way back before when things are a little bit simpler, little things seemed to be a big thing already for me. an old 8 count crayola box with all the unsharpened crayons seemed to be a problem with kindergarten especially when everyone has the 64-count plus built-in sharpener. a big red B+ seemed to be a huge problem in gradeschool especially when all of your grades are nothing below A. a boy you've been crushing on all your childhood days who keeps on ignoring you when everyone in the world but him knows you have crush on him seemed to be most hurtful feeling you'll ever experience and then you swore you'll never have a crush on anyone ever again. then your first breakup, migrating to another country, the failing of nursing school, your first medication error at work, and the list goes on and on.

it's so funny to reminisce some of life's memories and how we look at our problems when they are right there in front of you at that moment. it seemed like it's so big you can never get your way out of it. and it's funny how you think that's the end of your world and there's no other way in life that will make you feel better. it's funny how you think that that's the BIGGEST trial you'll ever experience in your entire life but then again, you're wrong. because as days pass by - you realize that the biggest trial that you're talking about is still yet to come.

when my lola died, i thought that was the saddest feeling i'll ever feel. but i was wrong. when i was moving from phillipines going here in jersey, i thought that was the biggest trial i'll ever encounter in my life. but then i was wrong. when i failed nursing school on my second semester knowing if i fail one more time, i'll be out of nursing school, i thought my world is gonna end. but then i was wrong yet again. because as everything sinks in tonight, i realized that the biggest trial that i'm facing is right here, right here in front of me.

it's so true that when you love someone, you get hurt twice when they get hurt. when you really care for someone, their tears becomes yours and their pain becomes your agony.

when my dad got admitted in the hospital, i knew right there from the start that i have to be ready. but everytime i hear him scream because of the pain he's having, i know in my heart i wasn't ready for it yet. not with my dad. you see, i always see him as the superman. i never see him weak, i never picture him sick, i never imagine him like that. and it breaks my heart a lot lot because i didn't see this coming at all. it was too fast. i wish there's a pause and rewind in this life's journey so that at least i couldve prepared myself better than how i'm dealing it right now. being admitted to the hospital is one thing but moving him to oncology floor blew my mind away and caught me off guard.

and right that moment, it's hard to mumble to myself the phrase i've always associated my life with. with a teared-eye, i have to remind myself, "everything happens for a reason."

" dear God, it's so hard to let go. you promised me you'll never give me a problem i can never bear. but i didnt see this coming. if there's one word to describe how i am feeling right now: shattered. dear God, i am so lost. if there's one thing that breaks my heart - it's the art of letting go. i don't know how to let go. i feel so alone even though i can feel that people want to reach out to me. but i cannot go on like this for he needs me more than ever. it's hard to be strong for him though because in reality, im so broken inside. dear God, i can tell that this is probably the biggest trial i'll ever face and as much as it hurts a lot lot - this is the time i need You most. dear God, please don't

let go. i pray that may you keep my dad close to Your heart because i am not ready to let go yet. I am humbled to realize that our days are too short to worry, too short to remain aimless, too short to fool around and too short not to show how someone means the world to you. these tears are meaningless because for me to trust in You, i have to let go and let You take control. it is hard because i am just a human but dear God, please give me the peace that i need to go on with my life and to move on knowing that he is in good Hands already. when you answered all my prayer requests since then, i believe this one's no different from the rest because i believe that in Your time and with Your will, everything will fall into place. and i am too blessed to know that as we start this journey as a family - we are not alone for we know we are in good Hands. i love you in dear Jesus name i pray. Amen. "

babu.

2009-07-19T22:30:00.003-04:00

sometimes when we love, we tend to hold them close to your heart. really close because we don't want them to go anywhere but close to you. really close because we realize that it's not the same when they're not around. really close because they know how to turn your frown upside down instantly. really close because they become part of your life already. really close because their smile becomes yours, their support becomes your hope, and their hug becomes your instant remedy. really close just because.

but as my story goes, loving someone doesn't mean you have to compel them to be as close as you want them to be. sometimes when you love, you have to give them their freedom not because they want to but because they deserve it. and as much as you would love for them to stay, love is when you'll know when to let go.

sometimes, you just have to smile and appreciate that you are actually capable of being able to care that much. sometimes, you just have to relax and enjoy the moment. and sometimes you just have to trust and let go - you just have to let go and let God. Mhm, because that is the right thing to do when you really love someone, you let go and let God.

when you love that someone, you entrust everything to Him and you hafta have that faith that no matter how much you care for that someone - His will is always and will always be the best way.

but sometimes because of our own selfish ways, we don't look at it that way. at least sometimes i don't. you know why? because i am scared of the final answer. because leaving everything to Him can either result of you "having what you want" or "not having what you want". that's why instead of consulting the only One who knows us more than we know ourselves, we always resort to our own hypothesis and conclusions.

but i sometimes ask myself, is that really love? or we're just scared to find out the answer itself knowing the answer might not be the one we've been praying for the whole time?

reine, it's time to let go. it's about time to let God do what He does best.

"dear God, i'm sorry if i've been postponing everything since the very start. i guess when i'm starting to really care for someone, i sorta make my own decisions in my own imperfect world tweaking every tiny bit as much as i could just to make things imperfectly perfect. i'm sorry because as this feeling grows, it's harder to listen and it's much harder to let go. dear God, i am sorry but tonight, thank you for making me realize what i've been missing the whole time. tonight, i leave EVERYTHING to you. and this time, i really do mean it when i say may Your will be done. i know it burns a little to let go of something really important and really close to me but it feels good too at the same time knowing WHATEVER the ending of my lifestory will always be a blessing to me. besides, i know in my heart you know me better than i know myself. hugs. amen."

gesundheit

2009-07-14T22:00:00.004-04:00

like they said, you wouldn't be able to appreciate the rainbow if it wasn't for the rain.

i missed writing here. not that i don't want to but i was just lazy for a while. life has been the same though, well not really. few stories here and there but it's still the same reine. longer hair, cheekier but still underweight and all of those stuffs. but see, since i haven't been writing here - it's kinda hard to be "back-in-the-mood-of-doing-it" if that makes sense at all. oh well.

i've never sneezed my whole life as much as i did today. since i got to work at 7am, without exaggeration, i've prolly sneezed more than a hundred times and it just stopped an hour before my shift ends. 11 sneeze-full hours wasting prolly 4 tissueboxes. you know what they say, everytime you sneezed, you skip a heartbeat. so if it's about 135 times i've sneezed = 135 seconds = 135 skipped heartbeat = 2mins and 25 seconds of skipped heartbeat! that's talent. but nonetheless, thank God.

thank God, i've lasted 12 hours with such an awful colds. thank God, all of my patients were okay. and yes, thank God, i didn't end up being a red-nose-reinedeer by the end of my shift.

unwanted burp

2009-06-02T21:46:00.002-04:00

finally, i'm home after a long day at work. work lately hasn't been too well - mainly because of my swollen cheeks. post-surgery isn't really that much fun at all. other than you look like you gained 10 lbs by the looks of your cheeks - the edema that came with it and the pounding pain from time to time can be unbearable. drinking my pain medication every 8 hours as needed can't help either because it knocks me out to sleep which is awful because i can't take it prior to work because i might end up sleeping beside one of my patient's bedside. i can't even smile - garrr.

nonetheless, i am still praying that there won't be any complications with these 3 teeth extraction i've had few days ago. knowing that one was infected, the other one has cavity and the third one was impacted - i am hoping things will go as expected by my dentist. i hope so because i'm getting tired of all these warm compress every night and not being to eat what i want. as much as i love eating ice cream - i still miss eating rice and without rice for a day ay isang massive na hunger-strike sa aking mga bulate sa chan. garrr. but as of now - the other one is hurting so bad because it was open and they had to pack it yesterday with medicated gauze and the other side is hurting, thanks to the deep impacted teeth - my cheek is bruised.

sorry. i just have to burp it out loud. one more day tomorrow [ hopefully, the pain will be more manageable compared today or i won't able to make it to work tomorrow ] and i can finally rest before another busy weekend. but for now - sleep is going to be my bestfriend.

goodnight.

NPO @ midnight

2009-05-29T00:00:00.002-04:00

an NPO sign is usually found on top of some of my patients' beds this morning. for those who's not in the medical field - lucky you just because you dont get to experience how a person can pretty fiesty just for a sip of water. lucky you because you dont get to experience how aggressive some people can be when theyre NPO yet all they want is just some ice chips. lucky y-o-u.

NPO. from what i remember, it means Nil Per Os meaning nothing by mouth. it can be as liberal as NPO except meds or ice chips or sips of water or it can be as strict as no exceptions. nothing at all. just so you know, this whole issue with NPO is not due to my exhaustion from work from the past 24hours total work in just 2 days but because starting this midnight - i get to be NPO too. isnt that great? well, not really.

im NPO because of a thing called 'stupid-wisdom-teeth'. tomorrow, three of them will go byebye. and yup im scared because ive never been sedated my whole life and i guess its gonna be my first surgery. i should actually be sleeping now because in less than 6 hours, i will be having bloodworks too for my insurance but im wide awake because im scared for tomorrow like a stupid kid. garrr.

they do say that im going to have chipmunk cheeks because of the swelling. hahaha - remind me to take a picture, that should be fun. ohdear.

my dear toothfairy, tomorrow im not going to exchange my almost-pearly white teeth for some treasures you might have. you can have them all you want. all im asking is for me to recover quick. and if you can - please don't shower me with your pixie dusts just to make my cheeks look cutesy like a chipmunk-swollen-type-of-cheek? i just want to be able to go to church the next day and have my youth group Bible Study in the evening and be able to go back to work te next day - that's all i ask. i promise that when im old and im wearing my dentures - i'll give you all those remaining teeth that they'll take out. i promise.

seriously reine?

dear God, please give me peace of mind tonight. i know tomorrow's procedure is just a piece of cake to other people but You know how allergic i am with dentists. please, all i ask is to recover quickly - You know my reasons and may Your will be done. thank you. and one last favor? delete the chipmunk cheeks? if it's possible, that is all. amen.

un-shakespeare

2009-03-25T23:16:00.005-04:00

you know that feeling where there's something you want to write about, where you're about to pour your heart out feeling scared because in an instance, you're taking that risk of exposing every thought and feeling you have online but at the same time feeling relieved because for that instance, you get to burst out, where in your head - those thoughts seems to be so vivid and heartfelt but the moment you try to express it into writing, you seem to stutter and blank out, where you get to type good four sentences but when you read it again, you hit that backspace and you're back to an empty entry box?

yup, i know that feeling.

welcome to my world.

last song syndrome

2009-03-24T21:41:00.005-04:00

"put your faith in what you most believe in,

two worlds, one family

trust your heart

let faith decide

to guide these lives we see."

-two worlds, tarzan

this song has been playing in my head over and over and over and over again for the past three days and funny thing is i never get tired listening to it. last week, my dad brought me to a secondhand store just to waste time and i found a TARZAN soundtrack but it's a broadway musical version for just 99 cents. now, this track has been on repeat on my player for the past who knows how long.

i've always wanted to see a broadway show. not just one but all of them. they said it's a bit pricey but i'm not sure. the first one on my list would be tarzan. i don't know why but there's something about this movie i can never get tired watching or listening to it. then maybe see lion king, wicked, phantom of the opera, and even rent if it's open again. in time, reine. in time.

as the lyrics goes, "put your faith in what you most believe in, trust your heart and let heart decide" - uhm, nevermind. i don't even wanna go there or it'll be one of those sentimental emo entry of reine again. next time. yup, today was a very interesting day.

dear God, YOU know Your reasons. as what i've prayed before (and still is as of the present), You got my back and You know what's best for weynweyn. always.

goomnayt.

six before bed?

2009-02-24T21:47:00.005-05:00

just random things before bed.

1. i praise GOD this day was over. work today was crazy. having to work 12 hours gave me the advantage of having more days off but everytime i go back to work (especially the first day), it ALWAYS feels like a Monday. today is one of those days where it feels like the "dreaded" Monday everyone is talking about. too many isolation rooms, TPN and fat emulsions, pain medications here and there, PEG tube, colostomy, dialysis patients, too much 10 AM/6 PM meds, 3 new IV sticks, 4 out of 6 insulin coverage for the past 12 hours equals no break and no sitting down and late punch out. to top it off - all of them were NEW patients for me so that made things a LIL more complicated. i'm not whining, just venting out. hahaha. i'm not venting out, i am just thankful to Him i was able to get through this day.

2. weirdest thing since i started working 12 hours is that i realized what it really meant by "taking one day at a time". when you're too busy for the day running around like a chicken-on-crack not knowing what to do next - and you suddenly remembered you're coming back the next day with the same routine again : you'll just feel flat awful. i try to train my brain noodles to think this way: "im glad this day is over - one more day tomorrow" INSTEAD of "man, it's so busy today - i don't wanna go back tomorrow anymore". it's working so far.

3. one more day, reine. then two days off. one more day.

4. i finally bought it. after many months of saving money - i was able to stop my "apple-craving" and bought me a new one. i still miss my old one and i think i'll always do. not only because of its sentimental value but it has all my files and pictures in it too. i bet it will take me more than a year to actually sort my files in there but who cares, it's for me to keep anyway. being a "convert" is tough, lemme tell you. there's no such thing as "COMMAND" and "SAFARI" and "DASHBOARD" before. im not used to it but that doesn't mean i don't like it.

5. i have created a word i could submit to DICTIONARY Institute something if there's such thing: BRUNCHNER. this is my word sometimes when im at work and i'm late and didn't get to eat breakfast and im too busy i didn't get to eat lunch so when i get home, i eat my meal named BRUNCHNER. BReakfastlUNCHdinNER. don't let my parents read this part - they'll kill me.

6. this is what my fortune cookie told me to end my day: The happiest circumstances are close to home. after a 13-hour day at work today - OH SO TRUE. there's no place like bed errrm HOME.

asymptomatic

2009-01-21T20:52:00.002-05:00

so if you can't hear you're deaf, if you can't talk you're mute and if you can't see you're blind - what are you when you can't smell?

colds.
maaaaan, i do need to get better soon.

one of those days

2009-01-10T16:01:00.001-05:00

how do you cheer yourself up? sometimes, you have to be conscious on where you depend your happiness on because when its gone - how would you pick yourself up?

and then you ask yourself - now what? its funny how we try to distract ourselves in order to shift your emotions and that youll try to tell yourself, yeah im okay.

yea. so what if my tummy sounds like chewbacca at times. like thats abnormal.

oh doodoo!

2008-12-30T21:41:00.001-05:00

i actually feel better today. benadryl did its thing. i shouldve thought about it earlier so then i wouldnt have to waste a box of tissue for my poor nose.

one more day and then ill be off from work. cant wait. i wish i could be off before the new years eve so that i could actually clean my messy room before the new year starts. my moms right. it takes me a day to clean my entire room and just 15 minutes to turn it all upside down. owel. i just hafta clean it after work tomorrow.

i do feel tired tonight though. i lost all my energy with my patient this morning. too heavy for me and my partner to put her back in bed especially when shes not helping at all. and lemme tell you, i do need a new pair of clogs because as her back is hanging at the edge of the bed and as her bottom is hanging freely towards the floor while we were carrying her legs - she *pooped* and there goes my white clogs.

technically i could say "oh s**t" but then it sounds like im cursing so i just said "oh doodoo!".

yep, im being too random again. good night for now.

2 tabs please?

2008-12-29T19:53:00.001-05:00

being sick is no fun. especially when you have to work consecutively for three days and you cannot call out sick because you dont have enough "paid-time-off" to get your hours from.

man, i do miss HS days where you can skip school or even stay at the clinic the whole day without worrying about losing a job or being fired. sure enough, you might miss some classes and get a lower grade than expected but your still able to make up the most part of it. work is different. there's less options compared to HS days. man, time flies too fast. im too scared to grow out too fast.

i was looking for the proper meds to drink for what ive been having for the past two days.according to the front part of the box, symptoms that might indicate i do need to take this mdction are as follows: [1] runny nose [2] watery itchy eyes [3] headache [4] sneezing. haha, benadryl it IS.

work this morning was interesting. day was TOO long. [i thought im gonna admit myself in one of our floor's beds.] i thank God though i was able to make it through the day but i still cant believe im going to work two more days. maaaan, benadryl - DO YOUR THING!

but for now, my tissue box will keep me company all night long. hope i dont drool too much on my pillows when i go to sleep with my mouth slightly open. (what too gross? nose is too clogged up no air cant pass through it.)

help me get through the day tomorrow dear God, amen.

comeback

2008-12-17T19:40:00.003-05:00

okay, so i do miss this blogspot a LOT. even though things has been a bit crazy lately, i dont think that's mainly the reason why ive been postponing my usual blogging recently. i think its more of an idea what will be the best comeback after all the new "redo" of my blogspot. sorta kinda britney spears' awaited supposed-to-be comeback. um, yeah.

work has been interesting recently. looking back, i cant help but to just smile it off even though you're not supposed to when you consider yourself normal. being able to work in the hospital made me feel i have to grow up and be an adult too fast. i feel that i have to embrace the "transition" phase whether i like it or not.

do not get me wrong, i do love my job a LOT. YES, even though there's never a day i havent mumbled to myself that im going to retire early next year. YES, even though i get to go home almost 3 hours overtime without getting paid. YES, even though i have to wake up early everyday and get to miss breakfast and lunch most of the time. and for many more reasons, YES i still and will always love my job.

but my professor is right, "nobody said it would be very easy".

she is definitely right. in hospital, you dont get to meet people at their best. either theyre tired, weak, angry, helpless, hopeless, dying, agitated, confused, or really really sick. i realized as i start working as a nurse, you just dont go to work just because you have to. or because thats your job. i realized that you have to go to work wanting to be there to help. to actually care and apply in heart what it really means to be a nurse.

and shes right because its never easy. your lucky if the relationship between the patient and you is a two way street. but most of the time, its never the case. you help and you do everything for them and yet they will complain about you, slap you, curse at you - name it. but you cannot blame them because you cant. they are patients and thats the end of the story.

its not easy because its always easy to fight back. to defend yourself. to complain back. to ignore them. to just give up and call it a day. easier than actually being patient and caring to them.

ive been off orientation for the past two weeks and it has been rollercoaster. but yeah, i might puke, i might pass out, my face might turn green, i might be scared, i might be yelling for joy or shouting out of fear, my hands might get too cold - no matter how fast my heart beats...its still a rollercoaster i would say worth trying for.

yep, its just past 7 and im already yawning. thank you dear God for helping me get through this day.

repair

2008-11-25T21:45:00.003-05:00

my blogspot is officially
"UNDER CONSTRUCTION".

wbbs
definition: will be back soon.

wilderness

2008-10-25T23:53:00.004-04:00

when you just have to let go.
for good.

or maybe just for now.

amp.
eto na naman.
nagmamahal na naman ako.

regress

2008-09-24T00:55:00.005-04:00

life seems to be colorful everytime you encounter beautiful people every now and then. some stay but others refuse to. when i was young, making friends is always easy. even crayons becomes an opportunity, "hey, can i borrow your crayons? i left mine." the next thing you know, you and your new friend is goofing around recess and pinky-sweared that they'll always be bffs. a simple smile and a sincere hello almost always open a window to a new start of friendship.

i wish things is still that simple.

i cannot ask you to stay. but i am still a friend. i never left, but i chose to be silent because i didnt know where to place myself.

thank you for all who "stayed".
and for all those strangers soon to be a friend, *high five*

outburst

2008-09-09T23:17:00.005-04:00

it's always hard to let go. especially when you become too attached. especially when they became a part of you already. and most especially when you lose them unexpectedly. call me crazy but i am crying over a loss that no one will never understand.

you left too fast. i thought you'd stay longer but why so fast? thank you for those times you've tried to cheer me up when i was down. it worked. really. and i'm sorry if i sometimes wish you would just stop because in reality - it's never the same anymore without you guys.

i have to confess though. at first, i was hesistant to keep you. i thought of how much work and efforts i need to exert for you to stay. i thought about the expenses and all those everyday things to be done just to keep you around. but you were too cute. at first, it was okay but then the everyday sacrifices i have to do made some times annoying. but i NEVER wished you gone.

maybe it's my fault because i always think that you'll never leave. i've always thought something like you stays longer. i thought i'd see you grow. but i never thought you'd leave too soon. that was TOO soon.

yep, i'm crying over my three turtles. two of them died yesterday and i thought the remaining one would live. but i saw him die slowly today and it's hard because i'm so helpless. i want to help - do everything that i can to at least save him but i guess it's too late. more than a year to keep? that is TOO soon. i see that spot where they usually hangout. it's empty. so as how i feel inside. it's not the same anymore. it's not going to be the same anymore.

i'll miss you guys a LOT. i'm sorry if it's my fault. if it wasn't my fault, im still sorry - i could've done better. sorry if i've taken you for granted most of the time. i hate to admit it but it's so true that you will never know what you got until it's all gone. and up to now, i still don't know how to let go.

cry it all out reine, maybe you'll pee less.

big.bigger.biggest

2008-09-04T12:05:00.003-04:00

bigger expectations.
bigger disappointment.

for now

2008-07-29T23:45:00.004-04:00

11:45 PM
room

yep, i'm still awake. to summarize how this review day went, i can't really tell because studying became more efficient just now. so before midnight strikes, lemme blog one more time. the thought of taking the test anytime soon just struck me earlier so sleeping early tonight is making me feel so guilty. my eyes are dying to sleep but my conscience is killing me with guilt yelling, "you should finish that 223 questions tonight or else...."

for now, thank you larr for letting me use this laptop or else, review would be so boring without any sounds at all. technically, thank you KD though, right? it's so quiet outside. i wish there's a line of tricycles outside with their own drivers talking and laughing and waiting for customers so there will be enough distraction for me to listen to. not too quiet. yes, cubao lifestyle. maaaaan, i do miss it.

i am on question 129. go reine.

2008-07-29T17:28:00.003-04:00

5:28 PM
room

no matter how disgusting slugs and snails are,
i am pretty sure God made them for a reason.
and no matter how hard it is to prepare for this test,
i am pretty sure God has a reason for that.
its past 5 and i am nowhere near done.

oh well.
thank you blogspot for listening.

2008-07-29T14:42:00.003-04:00

2:42 PM
room

a huge part of NCLEX are medications. have i ever mention that i hate medications? well if i don't, i HATE medications - drinking them, reading them, studying them, memorizing them, spelling them even pronouncing them. i mean who the heck invented the name hydantoin?

as a review, hydantoins are sodium channel blockers meds that are used for seizure disorders by stabilizing neuronal membranes. under these are phenytoin and fosphenytoin. generic names are better - Dilantin and Cerebryx, respectively. i prefer generic names, i take them more seriously as per names. cmon, hydantoin, phenytoin, fosphenytoin - say them all out loud as fast as you can. it's like hai-dan-toink, phe-nee-toink, fos-fenee-toink.

toink. garrr, i hate meds.

2008-07-29T13:37:00.002-04:00

1:37 PM
room

so my barnes and noble days are over. for now. too distracting for me. not the place. but the food and wallet issues. mashado na akong bankrupt. kahit pambili ng shampoo ko ubos na. kawawa naman ako. buti na lang, meron pa akong enough bago ako uli bumalik sa work. for now, wisik wisik muna. haha, joke lang naman. nakakaligo pa naman din ako ng maayos.

nakakabaliw pala mag-aral. ang hirap magseryoso. sobra. papasa kaya ako? para naman meron akong choice. kung pede nga lang - sana meron fast forward ang buhay para naman wala ng problema sa buhay. pero yun nga lang - asan ang thrill at kulay ng buhay kung walang variation. meron nga sigurong rason sa bawat bagay. pero namaaaan - bakit kasi sobrang hirap. hay naku, kausap ko na naman sarili ko. owel.

pasado ala-una na wala pa akong nagagawa. reine naman, malapit na e.

2008-07-23T14:19:00.002-04:00

2:19 PM
B&N

i am so hungry even though i ate full lunch before i left home.
aaaaaaarrrgghhh.
i forgot my 60 pieces gum.
back to study.

2008-07-23T13:08:00.005-04:00

1:08 PM

B&N

gaah. i just got here few minutes ago and i'm yawning and craving for food already. lemme see how long i could last today. as i was typing this blog, a lady approached me and asked where is her laptop because the table i am in right now is where her laptop was. now i am accused of stealing a laptop that wasn't even here in the first place.

great.

2008-07-22T23:21:00.002-04:00

wasn't really able to B&N today because it's ma&pa's anniversary and i have decided to just spend the day with them. besides, it feels better hanging out than actually reviewing. the only thing is the anxiety level rises up like crazy as the due date is getting nearer and nearer. i know i shouldn't be overreacting about all these but then when you know that a whole lot of expectations are dependent on the result of this test, it gets harder. especially when i have a record of failing most of my tests first time around.

owel, worry ends where faith begins.
(just suck that in reine everytime "sense of impending doom" scares you.)
gudnite ;)

2008-07-21T19:46:00.006-04:00

7:47 PM
B&N

i am so burned out. i am about to go home in about an hour. it wasn't a horrible day but it could be better i guess. i didnt know that the parking lot patrol person roams around the parking lot every 6-7 minutes. according to my tally, i saw her at 3:11 PM, 3:17 PM, 3:24 PM, 3:29 PM and then i lost count. it bothers me a bit because doesn't that consume lots of gas that are very expensive nowadays?

and would you also believe that B&N has several outlet plugs in the ceiling? if only i could plug my laptop with the ceiling plug then i would be able to sit down where i want to sit where i would be able to monitor the parking lot patrol volunteer and be absolutely satisfied? now i'm stuck in this table where i can sit drooling (and swallowing my own drool) and see the sight of all the foods and all the starbucks goodies. how unfair.

this is not due to boredom or information overload.
im just hungry.
maybe.

2008-07-21T13:49:00.003-04:00

1:49 PM
B&N

i wasnt able to update my blogspot yesterday because there weren't any available plugs near me (well, there was one but the lady said the wire is blocking the "fire exit" door) so that was the end of the battery life. i don't feel really good right now. you know when you're torn in between of whether you should do what's right versus whether you should do what your heart wants. it's always the same effin issue over and over and over again. i should be pretty numb by now because of this same old story but it stings everytime it gets me. it gets me every single time.

i don't want you to understand me all the time.
but i can't take that disappointed look in your face.
i can feel it.

even though you try so hard to hide it.
great. this is a good way to start my review. stupid complicated life.

2008-07-20T12:35:00.003-04:00

12:35 PM
B&N

i've decided that for the next few weeks, barnes and noble will be the place i'll call home. studying in my room is too quiet for me. in B&N, there's enough distractions to keep me awake and nearby starbucks for wanted dose of espresso. thanks to wifi (even though it's not free), i'll be blogging from time to time either due to boredom or just maybe information overload.

2008-06-23T01:52:00.003-04:00

madaling araw na naman.

mga limang taon na rin akong ndi nakakalasap ng pinas. sa mga oras na to, dapat naglalakad na ako uli sa cubao at kasama ang mga taong matagal ko ng naiwan at hindi nakakasama. pero bakit sa kabila ng lahat ng plano kong babalik ako sa pinas, bakit andito pa rin ako? kahit na gusto kong umuwi - ang hirap talaga pag hindi mo kontrolado lahat. yung mga pangako kong gusto kong tuparin, lahat lumipad muna sa madilim na langit at naging isang malaking bituing hindi ko alam kung kelan babagsak. kelan kaya ako makakapagwish sa bituing yun para makauwi?

alam ko limang taon na rin ang lumipas at marami ng mga bagay ang nagbago. lahat may pagbabago gustuhin mo man o hindi. dahil katulad ko, kahit na alam kong ako pa rin ung taong tulad ng dati - alam kong meron ding nagbago. yun nga lang, ndi ko alam kung ano nga bang ngbago. siguro sila na lang makakapansin nun. at siguro alam kong kahit sila, meron na ring ipinagbago na mapapansin ko rin di kalaunan.

nakakatakot din pala no? kasi kahit na alam kong kahit hanggang ngayon ay hindi pa rin akong tuluyang nakakapagadjust, walang problema yun sakin. walang problema dahil sa isip ko - meron isang parte sa mundong ito kung saan masarap kahit na alam kong mahirap. iba talaga ang pinas. pero minsan natatauhan ako sa ilusyong iyon dahil sa mundong aking palaging iniisip - ay isang mundong limang taon na palang nakaraan at nakalipas. limang taon ko ng ndi nakita. narinig. nahawakan. naramdaman. nakasalamuha. sa limang taon na yun - ano ng nangyari?

minsan mas maigi na lang na maging tanong lahat kasi minsan nakakatakot kung pano ka sasagutin ng buhay.

2008-06-06T14:26:00.001-04:00

It's been a while since the last time i'm awake past 2am. Usually, school keeps me awake late at night. thanks to overdosage of caffeine and huge boluses of Rockstar, my insomniac night's a breeze. Surprisingly, i'm wide awake tonight. I've been caffeine-free since my final test more or less 3 weeks ago. just weird. I have come to ♥ caffeine because it kept me sane during my sleepless nights trying to memorize lots of pathophysios and rationales, and yes - the dreaded papers. yuck.

Looking back at my experiences from nursing school, it's this stupid feeling of smiling and tearing both at the same time. Nursing school changed my life in a way that i've never imagined. It has been crazy. But crazy good. Faith kept me going even if it feels like i'm heading nowhere. Trust made me hold on to something even if i'm barely hanging on. Patience kept me smiling even if things aren't the way i've expected them to be. Family and friends pushed me when i was close on giving up. Altogether, I praise God for getting me through all of it.

It's not done yet though. but just to make things clear, "NCLEX, i don't really like you but i'll try my best to like you. maybe it will make a difference." Sigh. Cafffeine, we'll meet each other soon. Again.

There's lot to share. But sometimes, less is more. At least for now.

2008-04-30T22:52:00.007-04:00

dear God, I've been waiting for this day. i've spent more than 3 years for this and i've worked really hard for it. sometimes i just wish i am able to control everything where "gain any without any pain" replaces the quote "no pain, no gain." no matter how pleasant that would feel like, I'm happy dear God things aren't like that. because in this way, there will always be a room for me to rely and trust in You. tonight, i am desperate. I've done too much but i feel it's never enough. i hate this feeling, I'm so helpless. I'm at the end of the rope but I'm trusting You that You won't let it go. i know you're always waiting for me patiently.

I'm almost there Lord. i can't wait but this feeling i am into right now sucks. one day - a day that will change my life forever. Lord, i wanna graduate so bad. In less than 10 hours, this test will determine my future. Please, don't let me go. may Your will be done but for whatever outcome that will be, I'm praying i will be able to accept it wholeheartedly. tonight, before i close my eyes to sleep - i will leave everything before Your hands Lord. I'm crying because it's overwhelming but I'll stop because You already know what's best for me and i will just leave it that way. i love you a lot very much so many more. amen.

"you raise me up so i can stand on mountains, you raise me up to walk on stormy seas, i am strong when i am on your shoulders, you raise me up to more than i can be."

2008-03-04T01:19:00.004-05:00

now is not really a great time to update my blog but i might as well for a change. for the past few days, everything seems to be beyond what used to be normal for me. my coffee dates are all over. i have to let go and move on until i met and fell in love with RockStar energy drink. with 1000 mg taurine, 80 mg caffeine, 25 mg guarana, 25 mg ginseng and 150 mg ginkgo balboa, who wouldn't? my sleep and circadian rhythms changed as well where my bedtime curfew became 4:30 am.

i just yawned. funny what finals week can do for you.
dear God, please don't let go.

2008-02-19T18:57:00.000-05:00

new post coming soon.
[please let me through this week smoothly.]

2007-10-30T19:56:00.000-04:00

hallucinations

i appreciate you a lot because you know how to show you feel. with confidence. no string attached. but was there appreciation with all these feelings through silence and supression. in my own world, we get to hang out with each other. so much different from what you see as of the moment. because in there, everything seems to be perfect. time. place. people around us. so much different from what's in front of us. i appreciate you because you're too brave to cross that line of reality and make believe. i'm sorry im too coward. fall season is really here. leaves changing colors. half orange half still green. kinda like glass of water. but do i see it as a glass half empty or glass half full. when will the last leaf fall? should it be a happy moment of independence or an unhappy moment of separation. appreciation is good whether it's mutual or not. at least for me it is.

2007-10-29T11:58:00.000-04:00

apology

sometimes, it's not just about pride. it's never about pride. but i choose to be silent for now. without - life is somewhat incomplete. you don't see it. you might not feel it. but that doesn't mean it doesn't exist. patience will always be a virtue. upon realization, i can also be the main reason of its nonexistence. it's sad how things can end up. for if it was the end, it could have ended differently. not this way. but if it wasn't a dead end yet, hope time is on the fair side. sorry for the shortcomings. but for the record, taking someone for granted never and will never happen. reason behind that accusation is vague but certainly does sting. muchos. space can be good but can surely create gaps and separation. rest of my life of blessed union of souls. sing it. dedicate it like you really mean it. for when i play everything of lifehouse i mean it. maybe this is what laters really mean. sorry if it's too random, hearing those things was random itself.

2007-10-09T21:52:00.000-04:00

i miss you very much lola.
every teardrop
every tissue napkin
every deep sigh
tonight.

it's all worth it.
you're always
one of the reasons
of my
everything.
always.

i can't wait to see you again.

2007-10-07T23:05:00.001-04:00

it does feel good to be able to feel
being able to experience
how to laugh
how to cry
how to love
how to learn
how to behold
how to miss
how to care
how to be blessed
and the list goes on.

but sometimes
it's would also be nice to feel numb.

with all things said,
i miss you kd.

2007-10-05T00:59:00.000-04:00

can i just vent out?

0_0

first exam = done but the results doesn't come out until next thursday. 7 days. i am really trying my best to clear my mind from thinking if i passed or not and keeping myself from remembering each questions and whether i got it right or wrong. kamon, pa-suspense. i'm so scared - i don't want to expect too much from it but at the same time i want to keep my hopes up. bahala ka na po Lord. move on na lang ako - ikaw na po bahala ha?

0_0
i have two major papers due next week and a major presentation at nursing home this monday with no materials - no nothing yet. haaaaaaaay nako naman. kelan kaya ako makakatulog ng mahimbing tuwing gabi. im exhausted.

0_0
oh, and i had a nurse in my clinicals that kept on calling me "student" instead of my name more than 15 times that threw me off big time. she goes "student do this" or "hey you student - why dont you..." i've never seen myself turned so red with such annoyance. i told her call me reine a LOT of times and ignores me the whole time. gaaaarrrrr.

0_0
my room is such a BIG mess which makes concentrating on my papers much more harder. i'm too exhausted to get up and start cleaning yet i have the time to type my thoughts right now. just so much to do with no enough time and enough energy at all.

i should probably go sleep and actually wake up early in the morning to accomplish something. i dare myself to not think about my exam tomorrow - not even once. heck, who am i kidding? of course i will. dork reine.

2007-10-03T00:49:00.000-04:00

mahirap talaga pag ang kalaban mo e antok at pagod.
lalo na pag marami ka pang kelangang gawin.
minsan, wala kang kalaban-laban.
pero ndi ka pede sumuko.
kasi kundi ...

ikaw rin ang magiging talo.
sige, ihikab mo lang yan.
onetwothree payt uli.

piboitday au-au and maimai.
hay, iba na talaga pagnapapamahal ka na.
teka teka, anong karandoman na nmn to.
erase erase.

dork.

2007-09-25T21:49:00.000-04:00

multitasking has always been my close friend. doing many things all at the same time wakes me up. it makes me feel in control of everything. it keeps my mind out of something and helps me focus on my set goal. but apparently, things cannot always go your own way. at some point, it makes you think that maybe multitasking isn't really for everything. sure enough, it keeps you up and going but at the same time - at some point - your whole system's last and only two words will be: "recharge battery"

apparently, i cannot juggle "school-work-papers-responsibilities-financial issues-expectations" with "sick" all at the same time. the "sick" part just doesn't fit in and definitely makes all the juggling...way, way too hard. hypothetically, without the sick part i would say multitasking would be more manageable.

so kamon, Benadryl and Motrin: do your thing.

2007-09-21T19:44:00.001-04:00

toortels

a turtle family went on a picnic. the turtles, being naturally slow about things, took seven years to prepare for their outings. finally the turtle family left home looking for a suitable place. during the second year of their journey they found it. for about six months they cleaned up the area, unpacked the picnic basket, and completed the arrangements.

then they discovered they had forgotten the salt. a picnic without salt would be a disaster, they all agreed. after a lengthy discussion, the youngest turtle was chosen to retrieve the salt from home. although he was the fastest of the slow moving turtles, the little turtle whined, cried, and wobbled in his shell.

he agreed to go on one condition: that no one would eat until he returned. the family consented and the turtle left. three years passed and the little turtle has not returned. five year and six years, then in the seventh year of his absence, the oldest turtle could no longer contain his hunger. he announced that he was going to eat and began to unwrap a sandwich. at that point the little turtle suddenly popped out from behind a tree shouting,

"aha! SEE i knew you wouldn't wait. now i am not going to get the salt"

moral:
some of us waste our time
waiting for people to live up
to our expectations. we are
so concerned about what others are doing
that we don't do anything ourselves anymore.

happy sabbath.

2007-09-20T23:58:00.000-04:00

tomorrow,
let me be a little fairer.
be a little cheerful.
be a little simpler.

tomorrow,
let me be a little blinder
of people's fault.
be a little kinder
of people's own choices.

tomorrow,
let me be a little happier.
a little more peaceful.
a little meeker.

tomorrow,
be a little more thankful.
a little sunnier.
a little more faithful.

tomorrow,
let me be more like You.

2007-09-19T23:30:00.000-04:00

it's funny how you do crazy little things just to get your mind out of it. thinking that you've already consumed all the hours you could possibly waste only to know that only killed 10 minutes of your time. atlantic city billboard says "laugh in the face of boredom" but it's quite hard to do that if boredom finds your laugh and tactics pretty boring. dork reine.

oh well at the moment i don't really care how many times i'm turning my phone on and off - it's the closest assurance i could ever get after all of the things going on. doesn't make sense again? dork reine.

2007-09-18T20:24:00.001-04:00

it's about time. i'm still alive though. i've been focused on some other things that's why the last entry was 4 months ago. and for the sake of honesty, i've been lazy too that's why i chose not to blog. i guess i settled on my last entry thinking there's no way i could top that one so i just stopped blogging for a while. every time i open up my page, i just read it and think out loud, "yep, that's about it. i'll just write something next time." and next time became weeks then months. because sometimes, you just realize that less could be more than enough. few people has been asking for updates too so tonight i thought to myself, "it wouldn't hurt to share a piece of my mind for the moment." so here are some of them:

☺ summer went pretty fast. i had fun with my Vacation Bible School staff and kids. i've learned so much from them - talk about lots of patience. but hanging out with kids five weeks in a row every Saturday afternoon was all worth it. thank you guys for the laughs and for the very huge, tight group hug.

☺ because of him, i'm looking at life now so much different compared to how i see it before. because of him, i realized that no matter how cranky and annoyed you can be every time you have to wake up so early in the morning and you know that you're not a morning person - you should always appreciate that moment of being able to wake up knowing that there are people out there longing to be able to see the sunrise once again. because of him, i learned that going through tough times doesn't mean you have to live it with pessimism and hopelessness. and because of him, i've learned how to trust more and to understand what faithfulness really means. thank you karl dae. rest in peace but i know i'll see you soon. mission accomplished.

☺ i've finally moved on. graduating student. although i'm on my 1st of 4 semester right now, it just feels good knowing that you've moved on from one phase to another. i've never thought nursing would be this hard for me but you know what, i'm actually enjoying every moment of it no matter how stressful and nerve-wrecking it can be. i've come to embrace the fact that this is where i want to be and for whatever it takes, i'm claiming it. besides, is there anything too hard for God anyway?

☺ "Each time he said, "My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness." So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That's why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:9-10. enough said.

☺ i never mentioned yet i have turtles, right? surprise from lar - they're adorable. they're baby turtles the same size as a matchbox. we named them after the 3 stooges curly, larry and moe. the teenage mutant ninja turtles could've been more appropriate but there's only three of them - it wouldn't make sense at all. i'll post some pictures sometime soon but as of now, i can't get hold of their best pose. although i've seen them on top of each other like a 3-tower ice cream cone but i was too busy enjoying looking at them so i missed it. oh yeah, i give em a bath everyday because 3 days in a row without bath smells worst than my stinky feet um rotten eggs.

☺ if all falls into place and through God's will, we are really going back to Philippines for vacation next year. just by thinking of it makes me smile already - i'm so homesick. ate dony is getting married on june 29 so hopefully before that, i'm already cheesin and smilin at NAIA.

so much for randomness.

2007-05-03T18:52:00.000-04:00

too much leads to not much

mind: not too much. too much attachment may hurt.
heart: no, it's okay. it's where you find your security.
mind: but too much dependence might not be good.
heart: it will be worth the risk.
mind: but some people might not understand it.
heart: they're not the one feeling anyway. right?
mind: right but maybe i should stop a little. some reasons tell me so.
heart: but love doesn't need reasons.
mind: i know. but sometimes you just get scared because you know u might hurt again.
heart: sometimes, you gotta think positive.
mind: see, that's the problem with you. in the end, who's going to be broken anyway? yep. broken-hearted. heart. uhmm, that's you. and i will be here trying to rationalize things again.
heart: but you see, that's the problem with you TOO. you always put me on guard by all of your reasonings. sometimes, you gotta let go and take the risk or you'll never gonna be happy.
mind: but i'm just trying to protect you. i just don't want you broken anymore.
heart: but that doesn't mean you can't give us another chance. you deserve it as much as i do.
mind: are you sure?
heart: positive. if all else fails, at least we still got each other right?
mind: heart, you never learn huh?
heart: i do. do you?

reine: amp, shut up both of you - i need to study. finals Tuesday, get the picture? now, shush! mind, read a lot. heart, i don't know what you need to do. uhmm i guess, don't forget to beat. and watch out for mr. yawn - don't let him ruin mind's studying or both of you will be in trouble. garrrr.

2007-05-01T22:39:00.000-04:00

my last exam is finally done this morning. one more practicum tomorrow, five days to review then my finals on Tuesday. it's something to look forward to in a way that i just want these things finally done and enjoy my summer break. true, no pain no gain. sometimes, you always want the easy way out. guilty, your honor. i just want to pass.
my sister has been always scared of lightning and thunder. in Philippines, she always approach me especially at night during bad storms and requests if she can sleep beside me. of course, i would always let her squeeze into my bed and gets lost within my bedsheets - after teasing her for being a scared-y cat and after being proud of myself as the tough ate. but it's funny how time can change you. recently, lightning and thunderstorms scares the heck out of me. yep, i'm the scared-y cat right now - trying to hide my face from the lightning in the middle of the night, horrified by the loud blast of thunder that wouldn't even wait for my "one-one thousand" count.
me and Frances went to eat dinner outside and guess what. i was about to pay them and the waitress approached me saying that my card has been declined. it just so happens that my friend was in the bathroom. i was so embarrassed because they look at me as if i'm playing games with them and that i don't have money to pay them. man, i wasn't ready to wash their dishes for the whole night! i called my bank right away when i got home - she said there's nothing wrong with my account - it's probably their fault on the way they swiped my card. still embarrassing.
i don't like to work anymore. don't get me wrong - i love my job. but i just want to stop - relax ( and be a bum, reine.) hay. i hate it. i realized my blog is all about complaining, stress and whatnots. i should start changing it. but how? i am still smiling. =) goodnite everyone.

2007-04-30T12:37:00.000-04:00

just want to share what i learned from pastor laffit last vesper. be blessed.

have you ever caught yourself trying to decide which one's the best for your life, those significant questions that you just want straight answers. how do you respond to the tough questions in your life? how do you know what is God's will in your life?

Ephesians 1:11-12

"furthermore, because of Christ, we have received an inheritance from God, for he chose us from the beginning and all things happen just as he decided long ago. God's purpose was that we who were the first to trust in Christ should praise our glorious God."
- He doesn't care who you're going to choose or which path you're going to take, His first will is He wants to save you - that is His number one priority. in every decision we make, for every person we choose and every path we take - always ask if "is this will bring me closer to God or not?" He doesn't force us though, you always have the last choice - the question is "where will you spend your eternity?"
Colossians 1:9-12

"so we have continued praying for you ever since we first heard about you. we ask God to give you a complete understanding of what he wants to do in your lives, and we ask him to make you wise with spiritual wisdom. then the way you live will always honor and please the Lord, you will continually do good, kind things for others. all the while, you will learn to know God better and better.
- He wants you to grow in the knowledge of Jesus. take advantage of it - tomorrow's not a promise to nobody - don't wait till tomorrow to take action.
Ephesians 5:17-21

"don't act thoughtlessly, but try to understand what the Lord wants you to do. don't be drunk with wine, because that will ruin your life. instead, let the holy spirit fill and control you."
- He wants you to be filled with holy spirit, to think right, do right and just be right. sometimes, if you keep on falling over and over again in your own sin, maybe because you don't have the holy spirit within you. when people starts to say, "there is something different about you", they'll know that Christ is working in you.
Ephesians 6: 5-8

"slaves, obey your earthly masters with deep respect and fear them. serve them sincerely as you would serve Christ. work hard, but not just to please your master when they are watching. as slaves of Christ, do the will of God with all your heart work with enthusiasm, as though you were working for the Lord rather than for people. remember that the Lord will reward each one of us for the good we do, whether we are slaves or free."
- He wants you to serve others, not just your fellow church members or nice-dressed educated people but to those who don't deserve to be served. do this for Jesus, work for others with a servant heart.
1 Peter 2:15

"it is God's will that your good lives should silence those who make foolish accusation against you."
- He wants you to quiet those critics with your goodness. you must be a spilled offering. while he was on the cross, he even says to forgive them for they don't know what they're doing instead of using his power on them. we need to remember that we are in this world because they need to see God in us - that He is real.
1 Thessalonian 5:16-18

"always be joyful. keep on praying. no matter what happens, always be thankful, for this is God's will for you who belong to Christ Jesus. "
- when he said, "pick up your cross and follow me", he didn't say that it will be easy but it's otherwise. but he promised that you will have an abundant life - not what the world teaches you of how "abundant" life can be but with peace and tranquility. if you don't have the faith right now, you won't have it in trouble time as well.
- he wants you to have God's will experientially - it's not for you to see it but for you to trust.

always remember that if you are in the center of God's will, it's going to be the best place but it's also the most dangerous place because the devil's after you.
how will you respond?

2007-04-25T19:27:00.000-04:00

till what point?

it's so hard to study at the same time you're sick. you don't know if you're sick because of too much studying or just plain sick. it's like my fight and flight system is out of whack and instead of fighting - it took the flight mode and started to give up. not at this time yet though. the next 14 days are the most important days of my spring sem. if i screw these up - i'm in big trouble. but i m happy and grateful i'm keeping up. too bad i'm gradually getting sick. man, i still have to work. i can't wait for my summer vacation. yep-prayers are greatly appreciated.
do you often get insecure? before i used to think insecurity is healthy because it makes you look at your life in a different perspective, helps you appreciate yourself and other people in a different kind of way and it motivates you to be a better person. that was before. but i'm starting to notice that my insecurities recently get the best of me and i know that's not healthy anymore. i've come to appreciate myself less and ending up not being happy with who i am, how i dress and carry myself, what i look and what i have. i just wish i could inject myself a bolus of self-esteem and infuse a lot of confidence in me - then maybe i could appreciate myself more.
i find dandelion clocks adorable. sometimes, it's so much easier to wish on them instead of waiting for falling stars to fall on you. in my world where clouds are my cotton candies and pigs can fly, a place where smiles are everywhere and hugs are treasured - in my world - i wish on dandelion clocks and as i blow each one of them, my heart skips a beat knowing someday my wishes might come true.
yesterday's weather is amazing - not windy with a perfect sunshine. not humid but just right. so i did went outside the backyard to enjoy it and i've realized how many dandelions we have. but they're all yellow still - i guess i can't wish on them yet. ha. so i took pictures. goodnight everyone.

2007-04-21T21:52:00.000-04:00

sometimes,
when one person is missing,
the whole world seems depopulated.

~ Lamartine

2007-04-18T18:56:00.000-04:00

and it's more than enough

sometimes, you don't need to have all the answers for all the questions in mind. sometimes, you don't have to be a superhero trying to save each little thing in your way. sometimes, you don't have to be a genius to solve each puzzle you encounter. sometimes, you don't have to be perfect to be recognized. sometimes, you don't have to sacrifice a lot to be known. sometimes, you don't have to have everything to be contented. sometimes, you don't have to say something out loud to be heard.

sometimes - just sometimes - all you need is that someone.
no strings attached

2007-04-17T19:43:00.000-04:00

random things can be perfect tonight.

i used to think hell week during my HS days are the worst. how you think it's impossible to prepare for each subject's exams and still able to prepare ma'am hilario's props and presentations first thing in the morning and STILL able to finish up your papers for research. but as i think about what i'm facing right now, hell week can be much better than hell month. having 2 exams and papers and practicum and finals back to back with part time job and other responsibilities - and expecting yourself to pass and accomplish everything on time - it's my own personal hell month starting just about now. i'm excited. yep, i'm being sarcastic.

KD is doing better. he's back home and recovering. i'm happy. prayers do really get answered. i just don't know how to let go torta though. but if it's necessary for him, you gotta do what you gotta do. do they ever have a tattoo for turtles?

few weeks ago, i was scratched by a patient when i was changing his stinky, pee-soaked linens. apparently, he's just 18 years and on a 4-point leather locked restraints during the time we were changing him. yep, security's there to help us as well. that's how strong he was. he even managed to break the glass window on the 2nd floor and tried to escape while half of his body is hanging on air. it's funny how they told us to watch out because he spits and here i am, saving myself from a cold spit when i didn't watch out his hand trying to snatch me. how bad it was?

so the first picture is when i was at ER trying to wait for the doctor to look for the abrasions that i had. she said it's pretty bad and try to look out for the possible infections that might happen.

the second picture is the picture i just took few minutes ago to see how it looks like right now. apparently, it's been healed and thank God there's no infection and the guy's not positive with HIV or AIDS (or else i'll be in huge trouble) the bad part though is he left me with some scar and it might stay there for a quite a time. i just pray he'll feel better.

sometimes, even planned surprise that didn't happen due to certain circumstances can still be sweet. it's true how they usually say - "it's the thought that counts".

that's all for now. speechless na naman ako bigla. it rained hard for the past two days -where's my rainbow?
[snapshot4dday]

2007-04-08T14:56:00.000-04:00

a wobbly heart
& a squishy brain

apparently, caring TOO much
might not be too good.
but then, who cares anyway.

reasoning might not justify my actions
but it's my only buddy at the moment.

sometimes, when you care too much,
you tend to listen to your heart
for the heart shouts louder than your mind.
and the next thing you know
you don't know the difference already.
the difference between which one's talking

"is it my mind reasoning
or my heart feeling?"

2007-04-04T01:21:00.000-04:00

it's past midnight.
YAY it's springtime already.
BOO it's my exam on tuesday.

i finally updated my
blogspot and friendster.
*apir*

thank you whoever invented/made/developed (however you wanna call it) Excedrin. this med is like my bestfriend everytime im having my excruciating migraine moments. just when i was about to steal a gun and shoot my head - Excedrin saves the day.

uhm, yep i do eat liver. do you?

2007-03-19T23:05:00.000-04:00

MIDTERMS
in about 8 hours
i should panic
but with faith -
i am
calm
and faithful.

"dear God, i don't ask too much. i very much know i had a huge part in this one. and i do much know that procrastination and cramming is a very bad habit. i admit it and i pretty much regret it. and i do know that sooner, i have to change this habit. it's just so hard to let it go - it's pretty much where my comfort zone is. with procrastination, i find fulfillment and motivation. yep, i know - it has gone way too bad. but dear God, i also believe that if we ask You something and believe on it - all we have to do is claim it. i do not ask for too much tonight but i know i've done my part. i've studied everthing that i can. i won't ask for You to pass me or to give me the highest score that i could get. i won't coz it's just wrong. but dear God tonight all i ask is for You to help me remember everything that i can that i have studied for the past few days. i know it's just in there somewhere in my noodlebrain. help me to remember each one of em. and for tonight, i won't be selfish - i pray also in behalf of all my classmates to please be with them as well and let them remember that You're there. not only them but remember a very special person for me too - remember kd Lord. keep him near Your heart. thank you so much for hearing and answering my prayer in Jesus name amen."

yep, im not shouting anything tonight.
thank you for letting me claim that prayer. goodnite.

2007-03-16T16:15:00.000-04:00

maybe it's the rain

no matter how you want things to be perfect - more often you find yourself empty handed. daydreaming on how you can make things close to a fairytale but then after a few moment, you get stirred up by reality and it all starts to fade away. it surely does hurt when you get slapped by simple word. oh well - my so-called life. these are the moments where loud reggaeton music sounds better than any other songs and where you say out loud "screw midterms - fail all you want". please don't pity - i'll be embarassed and more sorry for my complicated and screwed life. i effin' suck on this.

2007-03-15T20:08:00.000-04:00

oh i forgot.
i had my haircut last friday.
it's shorter now.

and oh, it's past 8 pm.
and i havent studied anything yet.
gaaarr.
[snapshot4dday]

2007-03-14T14:27:00.000-04:00

reine.
matuto kang maging kuntento.
at maging simple.

please.

2007-03-09T11:03:00.000-05:00

so kelan ba tayo ndi mag-aaway.
mananahimik na lng muna ako.
baka sakaling magbago
ang
ihip ng
hangin.

(to be edited)

2007-03-07T22:36:00.000-05:00

just in time

Look at Jonah in the fish belly - surrounded by gastric juices and sucked-in seaweed... He prays... Before he can say amen, the belly convulses, the fish belches, and Jonah lands face first on the beach.

Look at Daniel in the lion's den; his prospects aren't much better than Jonah's. Jonah had been swallowed, and Daniel is about to be...

Or look at Joseph in the pit, a chalky hole in a hot desert. The lid has been pulled over the top and the wool has been pulled over his eyes... Like Jonah and Daniel, Joseph is trapped. He is out of options. There is no exit. There is no hope...Though the road to the place takes a detour through a prison, it eventually ens up at the throne...

Such are the stories in the Bible. One near death experience after another. Just when the neck is on the chopping block, just when the noose is around the neck, Calvary comes.

"May the God you serve
ALL THE TIME
save you. Daniel 6:16

- He Still Moves Stones
[Max Lucado]

2007-03-05T19:40:00.000-05:00

where is "focus" when you need it the most?!

garrrr. study now reine and stop procrastinating.
still not working, ha reine?

maybe this will help:
"you've 11 hours before ur exam"
(that excludes sleep hours).
did it work reine?

reine shouts AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
garrrrr.

2007-02-28T23:11:00.000-05:00

toots

it's true when they say you have to appreciate little things in life or you will never enjoy life at all. as of now, i don't care if i don't have the things that i want - material things that i wanna possess. i don't mind if time is taking its own pace and i don't get what i want as of the moment. i don't care if i don't have the talents i've been wanting all my life. i don't mind if things doesnt go the way i want it.

as of now, as of this moment - simple little things do matter. a smile in the midst of problems, a simple joke in the midst of challenges, security in the midst of doubtness, confidence in the midst of insecurity, rest in the midst of exhaustion, love in the midst of brokenheartedness, assurance in the midst of uncertainties and lies, acceptance in the midst of high expectations, a tight hug in the midst of goodbyes, music in the midst of silence, company in the midst of being alone and simplicity in the midst of complexity.

like tonight, i don't care if i won't accomplish a lot tonight. all i ask is a simple, simple - simple request: please i want to be a migraine-free person from this point till forever. i'm tired of drinking motrin all the time.

btw, thank you for all these simple things. nite nite. =)
[snapshot4dday]

2007-02-26T23:39:00.000-05:00

nenen?

last night was something different. good different. my two little cute angels came over for dinner and i get to spend time with them. much, much better than actually doing my nursing care plans (which i haven't done any of them yet). ill start with this cute one here - ian. he's really sleeping in that shot, yes with a pacifier. cute eh?

now let's move to my godson angelo. he's sick because of asthma attack so we decided we're just going to watch he's favorite movie finding nemo. he started acting crazily excited and the next thing i know - he found himself sitting comfortably with all the pillows around him. this is his shot watching intently as nemo tried to touch the boat's butt.

work today was awesome. i got 4 admissions and 9 other patients. it was tiring but i had a good time. i guess not being at work for more than a week can make you energized and all hyped but at the same time - can get you a little disoriented. i was about to wash my hands at the ice machine instead of the sink. i still love my job.

antok na. pasok pa maaga gudnite.
[snapshot4dday]

2007-02-25T16:05:00.000-05:00

moby or willy

where's my giraffe? have you seen my super duper tall giraffe with orange spots? haha. so today, after boredom engulfed me without hesitation - i decided to change the layout of my blogspot. my giraffe is nowhere to be found because i changed it to something different. something blue and humungous - a whale.

the title says it all. i don't know what to name my buddy here - either moby from moby dick show OR willy for free willy movie. i don't really like both of them. so i'll stick with kiku. kiku whale. cool.

oh, today's both of my cousin's birthday. happy birthday marby and dalemarc! <3 i was about to send them a huge cake but then i realized the mailman might be tempted to eat it and ended up sinning so to save him from such thing - i decided not too. maybe next time - ill deliver it myself. can't wait to call them later.

one last thing, because of my boredom this afternoon- i saw this site where you could post your picture for the day and i thought that's kinda cool. it's more like a photoblog. i really like it. so from now on - i will always put a link on every bottom of my entry everytime i update it. cool.

with all things said, nursing care plans - here i come.
(happy birthday baby khrysta-ann too!)

[snapshot4dday]

2007-02-24T22:04:00.000-05:00

been thinking about my attitude towards life - how i always feel indifferent about it. if life is all about adventures, individuality and such - why am i not enjoying it? boring is an understatement on how i describe life sometimes. people commend me for my hard work and accomplishments, some share my laughter and smiles, others think im an conqueror. yet, it's an empty hole inside. i wish i know why. i know there's something missing but i cant figure it out yet. but i know it's there. i might be too blind to see it. or maybe i just don't wanna see it. but then i was thinking...

i hate eating breakfast. i hate waking up early. i hate going to work on weekends. i hate choosing what to wear every morning for school. i hate drinking medicines and vitamins. i hate milk. i hate changes. i hate cold places. i hate drinking water. i hate sleeping so early. i hate my eye bags. i hate strong perfumes. i hate my migraine. i hate exhaustion. i hate exams. i hate endocrine system. i hate my stinky fart. i hate the sound of my ticking clock when i'm trying to catch sleep. i hate bad hair days (which is always). i hate complexity. i hate insecurity. i hate lies. i hate abandonment. i hate failing. i hate it when i overspend for nonsense things. i hate when i miss greeting someone's birthday. i hate boredom. i hate my lazybutt.

i am a hater. maybe that's why i don't enjoy life.
haaaay.

2007-02-23T11:33:00.000-05:00

so i slept for 12 hours straight.
yeah im sick.

and a sleepyhead one too.

2007-02-21T18:31:00.000-05:00

just to update that blood drive - i was denied because im under 110 lbs.

it's funny how i always get myself into a huge debate everytime im in my own moments. i always tell myself that the next time i'll open my blogspot, i'll definitely delete my account. but i always end up keeping it for who-knows-what-reason. life has been so monotonous for the past couple weeks. i just feel so bored. i know, how can i say boring if i've got piles of books to read and responsibilities to make. i dont really know. maybe i'm just looking at life in a different perspective that's why i dont really enjoy it that much. i want to change. i've tried though but it seems pretty hard. where's all the meaning? of all the things that could play hide and seek with me, i couldn't understand why it has to be mr. purpose-in-life. oh well. he better show up because im kinda tired of counting. i take that back, i've lost track of my count already. owel.

on the other hand, i praise God for all the answered prayers even though i've been running out of gas and barely making it with life. i've been sick for a couple of days -thanks to flu - i've called out sick three times already and i've been a very pleasant patient in my very own room. it wasn't fun at all. many times i've wished i was sick for some reasons but with this one - it was a wrong timing. ohyes - especially when you have an exam and you've got no sickcall hours anymore. but like i said, God never abandoned me. uhm, about the test results and my boss? THAT, i dont know yet.

hay. what a boring life it is. sana magbago ihip ng hangin.

2007-02-10T20:57:00.000-05:00

blood drive bukas! *nyaah!* shempre, nagpasign-up ako. *cross fingers* nagbabakasakaling pede akong makapasok para makapagdonate ng dugo. kahit 10 mL lng, masaya na ako maexperience ko lng ung feeling ng nakapagdonate. pero sabi nila, merong certain requirements para maqualify. *naku!* weight pa lng - bagsak na ata ako. baka ako pa ung salinan ng dugo. patay tayo jan. *grr*

neway, takot ako sa malaking needle. pero wokay lng - basta pipikit na lng ako para ndi gaanong masakit. tapos okay lng kahit masakit basta lalagyan nya ng band-aid tapos meron akong free lollipop in the end. haha, joke joke.

i just want to be of help to someone who might be in need of blood. un lang.
goodnite. YAY - im weekends OFF.
hugs.

2007-02-05T17:02:00.000-05:00

woot woot! may lisensha na ako! wooohoo! driver's license at looooong laaassst! i feel blessed, never thought i would come this far - feeling's surreal. FINALLY! reine reine can now drive. kahit na wala pa akong sariling kotse o kahit na hanggang ngayon nikakabahan pa rin - im still happy for the accomplished goal. it's not me - it's all answered prayer. thank you Lord ha? ndi ko un nakayanan kung ndi dahil Sayo. anggaleng mo talaga - dabest coach EVER. wag Nyo po akong papabayaan kapag nagsimula na akong magdrive ha? hay - sana simula ngayon till poreber- lab na lab ako ng mga pulis para ndi nila ako bbgyan ng ticket...bwahahaha!

ayan, two down na ako for the week. tapos na akong pahirapang weekends on ko tapos tapos na ung driver's license ko, isa pa para bukas - first exam naman para sa medsurg. alam ko mahirap pero naniniwala akong ung tumulong sakin sa road test ko kanina ay walang pinagkaiba sa tutulong sakin sa test ko bukas. db Lord?

hay, ansaya. sana bukas din masaya.
ready na ko mag-aral?

pede! wan-tu-tri payt!
=)

2007-02-01T19:15:00.000-05:00

it's suppose to snow tonight.

wouldnt it be nice if snowflakes are food? then we would all be full with a loud burp.
wouldnt it be nice if snowflakes are money? then we would all be rich and i have enough money to go back home.
wouldnt it be nice if snowflakes are cotton? then i can make snowangels and lie on them at the same time.
wouldnt it be nice if snowflakes can be kept in a bottle for keepsakes? then i wouldnt have to wait for winter to see some snow and actually enjoy looking at it even at summertime.
wouldnt it be nice if snowflakes are not that cold? then i would be able to sit outside the porch and actually play with it with my bare hands like playing play-do.

*yawn
gudnite.
happy february 1st.

2007-01-31T19:30:00.000-05:00

so it just hit me, my driving test would be this coming monday already. *shouts OH NOOOOOO!*

but i'll be working this weekends so i wouldnt be able to practice. *bangs head on the wall*

that means i'm paying another 95 bucks out of my pocket for my driver teacher tomorrow for my last lesson. *tsk tsk tsk*

to top it all, i have my very first big exam the very next day, tuesday about the whole musculoskeletal system. *hides under the bed yelling AHHHHHHHH!*

i love my life.
makes me do crazy things.
God bless me.

2007-01-30T23:58:00.000-05:00

this is the good thing of having internet connection in my own room without having to stand up by the windows and search for wifi. it's so cool when i can actually sit on my chair and position my laptop on a certain angle and there goes my internet. downside of it though is the possibility of reine being hooked up with internet instead of studying medsurg. i know, i know - likelihood of it happening is high but i've also learned my lesson. being online is just a little outlet for me after work and even school. i've promised myself i won't stay long -just enough to get my mind settle down for a little bit.

just came home from work - tiring but can't complain. i'm working less days now that my school started so i don't have any right to complain at all. but i have to admit, it's hard to juggle all of them all at the same time. yesterday, i came home from work and woke up late so i ended up being late at school. then i left school at 2:45 and im supposed to be at work by 3 pm. that's strike two for me for one day - im late for work too - half hour late.

yep, life can be pretty hilarious and annoying at the same time. as i was mumbling to myself, "hurry up dad, im already late for school" - there comes a school bus in front of us that runs 5 miles per hour. as i was about to complain - there came another school bus in front of the school bus in front of us. man - i do love kids but i don't like school buses. they're too slow. i do love turtles too but i still don't like school buses. basta.

work was something earlier. a combative patient was admitted past 10 tonight and she was screaming at me because im trying to take her blood pressure. she cursed at me with every curse you can think of - i've heard all of them tonight. but one thing i can't forget - she called me a "japanese bastard" - hahaha, i laughed and just whispered to her, " sorry honey, im a filipina." man, she was more furious. but it's okie - i was able to get her blood pressure and tucked her gudnite. too bad when i said gudnite - she yelled back and said "dont bother me anymore you sneeky monkey". hahaha - she made my night.

btw - it just hit me few hours ago that my driving test will be in two weeks. grrr, i don't even know how to park. and i dont know what to do if ever there's a school bus in front of me either on the same road or on the other road. and many more. cross fingers* i want to pass. grr.

cge na nga, babay na. i still have to read and wake up at seven mamaya.
''Many eyes go through the meadow, but few see the flowers in it.''

2007-01-30T00:29:00.000-05:00

nothing much for the past 3 weeks.

>> just turned 21.
>> medsurg sem started.
>> more insomniac nights.
>> my sister is as tall as me.
>> no more coffee (because they said it keeps me from growing taller) * who knows they're right - i still want to grow more*

>> smiled more. worried less.
>> more kids @ church for adventurer's club equals more fun.
>> more homeworks. less sleep.
>> addicted to supermario brothers but don't know how to play it
>> finally can connect to wifi w/o standing up by the window ( works on my study table for some reasons but i get easily disconnected too)

>> grateful because of gapfairy too
>> bankrupt because of $167 cellphone bill
>> goal is to gain weight for the next 3 months
>> homesick from time to time
>> bought a water bottle with measurements (100 ml-1000 ml) - just to keep in track if im drinking enough fluids. sad to say, the greatest is 800 ml per day - man!

>> getting more nervous for my driving test on feb.5
>> overtired with skul and work at the same time
>> addicted with sugarfree songs
>> can't wait till it's summer

hay. told you, nuthing much.
gudnite.

2007-01-02T00:46:00.000-05:00

never ever let a person

f
a
l
l

without having
the GUTS
to catch her
or
else
not only her
H E A R T
will be broken into

p i e c e s

but she'll be surely
H U R T.

cheersfornewyear/2007

2006-12-14T11:50:00.000-05:00

"just when the
caterpillar
thought the world
was
o v e r,
it became
a butterfly"

2006-12-12T14:07:00.000-05:00

listening...

"you said you would go to the end of the world for me.
i forgot to tell you to stay there -
and wait for me."

2006-12-07T23:12:00.000-05:00

hay.

asan ka na kaya?
matagal na kasi kitang hinahanap.
sabagay, ndi naman talaga ako naghahanap.
kasi alam kong ndi pa rin ako pede.
inaantay ko lng na dumating ka.
o kung anjan ka na nga.
sana

sana makita mo ako.

sana kilala ko na kung sino ka.
para masaya.
hay.

2006-12-03T11:32:00.000-05:00

buntong hininga.

gusto ko ng makatapos.
un lng. masaya na ako.

2006-11-27T02:20:00.000-05:00

insanity

i am no perfect. i know, nobody is anyway. but you see, my imperfections are different from yours. different from other people. my weakness can be your strength yet my strength can be someone's achille's heel. they say i should honor my uniqueness. don't get me wrong, but i do value my individuality. yes, i do. but i don't want to lie either. because behind all these - my insecurity can be one of my flaws.

oh yes, i do lack self-confidence. sometimes, i just wish i was the lion in wizard of oz movie having the courage to overcome fear. fear of judgement. fear of vulnerability. fear of rejection. the lion did overcame. but i am no lion but a scaredy cub. oh yeah, you may see me as someone who can face multitude with a straight face and can still smile but i guarantee you. you're being blind. but you see, i can't tell you what's within because even I can't illustrate its complicatedness.

don't get me wrong, in the midst of this insanity - i am just an ordinary person. simplicity is my favorite word. i am no hard to please. simple things, simple acts makes my heart skip a beat. i don't want recognition. i don't want your pity either.

i just want to feel i belong.

i am not jealous of you. i do not envy you either. i just dont have the confidence on myself. i feel that i'm no match compared to you. but i'm not comparing myself with you either. i just feel like a dwarf in the middle of a crowded giants when my insecurity gets the best of me. a possession that i'm willing to trade. not even. im willing to give away.

i don't blame you if you grow tired trying to unmask my complexity. i too get tired but i cannot give up on myself. it's just not right. it will be a thwarting defeat.

i just want to belong.

2006-11-24T01:29:00.000-05:00

happy turkey day everyone.

s-h-o-double p - ing

im so happy tomorrow's my day off. finally after 4 days straight at work, i'll be able to relax at home and actually do other things that have been unattended for a while aka studying. but i doubt it because tomorrow's going to be somewhat a special day aka shopping sale. since it's black friday and day after thanksgiving - the mall and the rest of the stores will be surely packed with people. oh my, i am crossing my fingers i won't be one of them. i am still debating whether i'll leave house tomorrow or just stay home and do something else. hmmm. if ever i made up my mind and explore the stores and come home empty-handed, for sure wallet's still intact. BUT if i come home with lotsa things, my oh my - bankrupt's going to be my last name.

work

work today was amazing. i was the only PCT in the floor with 19 patients, half of them are complete assists on everything. im amazed how God sustained my energy for the rest of the night - call bells aren't ringing that much and patients were really compliant. hay, what a day.

random

it's funny how simple little things can brighten your day and makes you realize that you're actually surrounded by people whom u deeply care for. tonight, i want to say thank you for all those who replied to my txt msge - i feel so loved. haha.

have you ever daydream of something where you wish it will happen to you. something that will just sweep you off your feet BUT actually shy about it and ending up not wanting it to happen because you're too shy to be the center of attention. something that you really think is really sweet yet when it's done to you - you get mad because the feeling's too much. simple little things but it's those things that you treasure the most. here i am again.

time flies so fast. christmas is just around the corner and before you know it, new year's here to be celebrated. how fast. another year older. i am not ready for the upcoming year yet. i hate to admit but i still need a lot of thinking to do and reevaluation to make. tsk.

turkeys are so proud of me tonight for i never ate one this thanksgiving. hah - "i love you too turkey!" good night everyone. keep smilin.

2006-11-23T01:48:00.000-05:00

work

got home from work few minutes ago. tired but too tired to sleep. right now, i know my mom will be very upset if she''ll find out that i'm still awake at this time. i already heard the whole nine yards from her this afternoon before i went to work and how she's mad because i get home late from work and too tired to eat dinner and too tired to sleep yet wakes up late noon the next morning and skipping breakfast. eating some lunch, im up for work again and same routine all over again. i can't blame her for blaming me but things have been out of control lately. i've been working a lot and to be honest, i'm so tired. cross that out - tired is an understatement. exhausted is the word. but still, i'm working tomorrow, friday off and then back to work at weekends. what can i say, i guess just be grateful i have the ability to work.

RIP

i can't help but to tear at work again when the sweetest patient i've ever met since i started working @ my floor died on my shift. i told myself last time i'm going to try my best not to cry over a person who's not totally related to me but this proves how actually weak i am. you can't help but to ask why him. he was perfectly fine the whole time. although for the past 4 hours, he pushed the call button and asked for me 19 times- i will never complain even if i have to answer that button every 30 seconds IF ONLY he'll live. before i went on break, he pushed the call button and asked for a blanket. i went to give him 2 and before i left, he asked for my hand and asked me if he can give me a hug as a way of saying his thank you. who would've thought that's the last time i'll be able to talk with him? when i came back, he's gone. i feel so vulnerable. tonight, he taught me two things. first, you will never know if that will be the last time you'll talk and interact with a person, so grab that opportunity and show him/her how much you care. second, always show how much you care to all those people who are close to you or even every person you'll encounter because that simple expression will always remain in their thoughts. @ least for me, his sweet words, thoughtful acts and meaningful smile will always remain with me.

thanksgiving

so technically, it's already turkey day. happy thanksgiving everyone. i feel bad i have to work tomorrow and won't be able to spend thanksgiving dinner with my family but i made them promise to set aside some turkey for me or else - trouble. hahaha. well, ill be off friday so probably that's the time we'll go out. i feel bad for the turkeys. i bet thanksgiving is their all saint's day. for once, chickens will feel lucky they're smaller and not turkeys at all. planetarium last saturday, i brought my sister and dad with me at my school's planetarium to see a laser show. at first, we watched "fall night sky" featuring all the constellations for the autumn season. it was interesting but not as fun as i thought it would be. at least, he explained where the cassiopeia is and he said that it's one of the major constellations of fall season. * claps* later at the laser show entitled "led zeppelin" - that's when trouble kinda started. it turned out that the entire laser show is being played with all the hard rock music of led zeppelin. while the rest of the audience were enjoying and clapping and staring at the dome, the three of us are closing our ears and eyes at the same time and can't wait to leave the place. dad was mad at me. i guess that's not his type of music. neither am i. but in the end, i know how to melt his heart: pad thai @ thai kitchen for dinner. haha. what a night.

random

wouldn't it be nice if you can drive far far away from the city, away from the crowd. sit in a rooftop or lie down in an open field, stare at the sky and count as many shooting stars as you can. wouldnt it be nice if i can be the richest person in the world for just one day and be able to buy coloring books and crayons with a little toy and give it to all the orphans and poor people in my country and the other third world countries. wouldn't it be nice if i can always have the perfect advice and a perfect ear to listen everytime someone needs me. wouldn't it be nice if i can actually do all the favors asked and still have time for myself.

this has been a very long entry for me. what can i do, i've got no one to talk to over the phone. well, i guess it's all perfect timing - past one in the morning, exhaustion, pouring my thoughts over a single post, rain outside, lullaby songs, surrounded by pillows will surely lull me to sleep. i just wish i'll be able to wake up early tomorrow and eat breakfast - both to please my mom and my grouchy stomach who's been missing breakfast for the past month.

Dear God, thank you for giving me life i'm having right now. thank you for the breath everytime i wake up in the morning. thank you for all the blessings you’ve been showering. thank you for remembering all my loved ones and for keeping them safe and sound. thank you for all the trials and problems that makes me learn how to trust You more. may you continue to protect and guide my family, relatives and all of my friends wherever they may be. remember my 91 year old friend who just died 5 hours ago, may you give his family peace of mind and overcome this loss. thank you for loving me. i love you, in dear Jesus name, amen.

good night .

2006-11-18T23:23:00.000-05:00

*deep sigh*

for the past week, i can't log into my Yahoo! Mail account because everytime i open it, it goes straight to "the page cannot be displayed". i would feel better if my mom's account is the same thing but when i tried it, it worked. except mine. it says i have A LOT of messages but it won't me go in. i just hope it's not hacked. or else - nevermind. i guess i'll take it as a fresh new start.

but HEY, im not ready for that yet.
GRRR..MAKE IT WORK!
-_-

2006-10-16T19:40:00.000-04:00

work isn't just a place where you earn your own money. it's not just a place where you get to spend most of your time and work very hard and eventually get paid for it. it's not just a place where you can have your very own ID accompanied by your company's name. it's not just a place where you can socialize with your boss slash manager, colleagues and clients. it's not just where at one point, you can consider yourself "independent" for earning your own money.

i believe it's not just like that. at least for me.

before, i call my work a "dirty-job". being a patient care tech slash nurse assistant is very different from working in Mcdonalds or in Old Navy. before, i just see it as somebody who takes a patient's blood pressure, temperature, pulse and respirations. somebody who cleans up the patient's body and bed if they did number 1 and so with number 2. somebody who helps and assists them when eating and ambulating. somebody who will cleans up a patient's mess whether it's a vomit, sputum, poop - get the picture. somebody who will do the errands. basically, a nurse's assistant. but for the past few months, i was wrong.

and because of what happened in the morning of oct. 15th - i never see work as it was before anymore. never.

40 more minutes before i get to go home. it was a long, tiring night and im anxious to go home. working nights 8 hours straight without any prior sleep isn't healthy. loading yourself with big dose of caffeine will just give you palpitations and shortness of breath. but then i was happy because it's almost time to go home. then one patient on the other side of the floor started yelling and breathing hard at the same time. he was not my patient but he caught my attention so i went inside the room. he said he can't breathe. nurse called RRT (rapid response team) already because he doesn't look well.

doctors came and told him to slowly breathe instead of panicking so he could get more air and breathe better. they left him for a while and went to check his labs and records and i was there with him in the room trying to comfort him. he started breathing harder with a moaning sound. he looked at me in the eye and told me "hurry up, hurry up". right there and there, i knew i couldn't leave him alone. in a special way, he touched my heart and i just want to be there with him till things gets better. took his blood pressure @ 6:50 am, first was bad. second time @ 7:00, it's getting better but still not normal. then he started to remain calm and breathe better. i was happy because he finally looked peaceful. @ 7:15, his blood pressure looks normal. i left the room, gave the nurse his blood pressure, happy that before i leave - he's finally okay.

i was downstairs waiting for my mom when i heard a code blue(cardiac arrest) over the intercom. the room sounds familiar. it's him. i ran as fast as i can to his room but this time, it's all different. doctors and nurses are everywhere. some are trying to revive him, others are watching. tears started to fall down my cheeks. he has to live. he was a total stranger to me but that morning - it seems to me i've known him for years. i can't forget the way he looked at me when we're alone in the room. i felt relieved when one nurse shouted that he finally has pulse. i ran downstairs, happy knowing that he will be alright. a prayer whispered, went home and went to sleep.

went back to work 3pm that day again and first thing i asked is "how was the patient?". the answer is too painful. he died that morning. i cried like a baby when i got home. i don't know why but he changed my life and the way i see my work now. work isn't just about my money, it's all about the patients i meet. not just how i can change their lives but how they can touch mine too.

"i may not be able to say goodbye to you but thank you for making me look at life differently. you were a tough man and i salute you for that. i saw your son cried that afternoon when he talked to your nurse about what happened. i feel his pain too. no matter what, Jesus loves you. and you know what, i thank God for you. may you rest in peace. "

2006-10-12T23:14:00.000-04:00

gabi na naman.

malalim na naman ako mag-isip. malalim pero walang kwenta. walang kwenta pero tuloy pa rin. sabi ng marami, mashado raw akong emo. abot hanggang buto ang kasentihan. abnormal kasi pabugso-bugso ang topak. mamaya-maya makulit pero mamaya e nakakatakot na mag-icip.

ndi naman ako ganito dati. simple lang ang tingin ko sa bawat sitwasyon. dati, pag sinabi mong puno, dahon at hangin - as is. pero ngyn, meron na akong nalalaman na keso kasalanan ba ng puno na pinakawalan nya ung dahon o nakawala ung dahon dahil sa pagsusumikap ng hangin. komplikado. minsan, gusto mo na sana parang damit na lng ung utak mong pedeng mong palitan pag ndi ka na komportable. pero madalas, wala kang magawa kasi parang sirang plaka ung utak mo na ndi na matapos tapos ang pinagiisip at parang spongebob na ung puso mong ndi na alam kung pano pa iaabsorb lahat.

magbago. kung pede lng magbago, matagal ko ng ginawa. kasi feeling ko, mashdo na akong weird. minsan, gusto mo na lng maging manhid o kaya insensitive para mas maging simple ang lahat. para pag sinabi mong gulong, iisipin ko lang e ung apat na bilog na umiikot sa isang sasakyan. ndi ko iisipin na ang buhay ay parang gulong na paikot-ikot, minsan asa taas pero minsan asa baba. minsan masaya, minsan malungkot. na keso sa buhay, ndi sa lahat ng oras e nasa taas ka palagi kasi kung ganon, ndi ka mkakarating sa paroroonan mo. parang gulong, paikot ikot pero sa kabila ng hirap, sa kabila ng lahat - makakarating ka naman sa destinasyon mo. blah blah blah. oo na, weird na naman ako.

pano pag merong nagpaalam sayo. umalis sa ndi maipaliwanag na rason. pag gagawing kong simple ang sitwasyon, iisipin kong karapatan nya un at dapat maging masaya ako sa desisyon nya. kung alam kong may nagawa naman akong mali, magsosorry ako, ieexplain ko ung side ko at hopefully, magkakahiwalay kaming at peace. at kung walang problema o alitan - isang mahigpit na yakap, isang huling ngiti at pangakong anjan lang kau para sa isa't isa dahil kahit na anong mangyari - magkaibigan pa rin kau.

pero pano pag ginawa kong komplikado ung sitwasyon. pano pag sa likod ng isang munting pagpapaalam e isang malaking pagbabago. pano pag akala mo okay lng lahat pero simula na pala un ng pagbabagong ndi mo maipaliwanag. pano pag wala kang magawa kasi ndi mo alam kung pano sha nagsimula at kung pano sha magtatapos. pano pag sa bawat anggulo mo na tignan mo ung sitwasyon, kahit na alam mong wala kang ginawang masama intentionally - in the end eh sinisisi mo pa rin ung sarili mo sa lahat ng nangyari. pano pag sa kabila pala ng simpleng pagpapaalam e isang malaking tampo at hinanakit na di kinalaunan ay nabuong galit na ndi mo na maalis. pano pag narealize mong after ng pagpapaalam na un, things won't never be the same again. pano pag pinagbgyan mo ung gusto nya pero iisipin nyang nitake for granted ko lng lahat ng pinagsamahan. pero pag ndi mo naman niacknowledge, pano pag iisipin nyang wala kang pakealam.

tama nga siguro ung nanay ko. isa akong gunggong dahil ganito ako magisip. pero ndi naman ako manhid. mapasimple man o komplikado ako magisip, ang pagpapaalam ay ndi ko kontrolado. sa kung ano mang rason, kelangan ko un akapin at tanggapin at maging masaya para sa kanya sabay bulong sa sarili, "may rason kung bakit ganito."

hay, mali. madaling araw na pala.

2006-10-11T12:06:00.000-04:00

nakakatawa talaga ang buhay, ndi mo alam kung san ka dadalhin. mahirap lumugar sa iisang pwesto kasi kung ndi ka susunod sa alon ng mga nangyayari sa buhay mo at sa buhay ng ibang tao - mapag-iiwanan ka. kahit na sabihin mo pang kakayanin ko to - mamaya maya makikita mo na lng ung sarili mong umiiyak na parang bata. ndi dahil ginusto mo un pero maririnig mo na lng ung sarili mong bumubulong: "ganyan talaga ang buhay.."

kagabi, nalabas ko lahat sa kanya. alam ko dapat nagtatampo sha sakin kasi ndi ko sha consistent na kinakausap. alam ko dapat sumama ang loob nya sakin kasi madalas ko lng shang maalala kapag meron akong kelangan. pero ndi. naramdaman kong masayang-masaya shang makarinig ulit galing sakin at ni-isang tampo o galit - wala akong nakuha sa kanya. matagal kaming nagusap. sabay tawa, sabay iyak. halo-halong pakiramdam. pero instead na marinig ko ung sarili kong bumulong na ganito talaga ang ikot ng buhay, inunahan nya ako. sinabi nya saking: "ndi ka nagiisa. kahit na anong mangyari, kahit gano pa kahirap o kasaya ung nararamdaman mo - andito ako. palagi."

mahal na mahal talaga ako ni God.
(kahit na ganito ang ikot ng buhay ko.)

edit:

onga pala. FIRST DRIVING LESSON ko kahapon! ansaya. naramdaman ko ung freedom nung pinagdrive ako for an hour and 45 minutes. wala naman akong nabangga. (dapat lng. kung ndi - bingyan nila ng malaking trauma ang isang inosenteng batang gusto lamang matutong magdrive. haha) excited na ako next thursday. sabi nya, mas malayo daw idadrive namin. at saka this time, tuturuan nya ako magpark. yipeee.

2006-09-29T12:45:00.000-04:00

patient care technician

yep, i got the job.
goodbye perdiem,
hello part-time.
that means more hours to work

goodbye nursing office
hello 2East Stroke Unit
no more floating from one floor to another one

goodbye impromptu.
hello schedule.
16 hours on first week,
24 hours on second week.
for shot, 40 hours weekly.

goodbye free weekends,
hello work every other weekends.
saturday 11pm - 7am
then work the next day
sunday 3 pm-11 pm.

mixed up feelings.
blessed for the answered prayer.
happy for having benefits.
excited for the new floor
nervous for an additional thing to juggale.
scared, i hope they'll like me.

im starting on the 1st.
*smile